In the past, my feet would itch to skip town and move to new surroundings, but I think my love-hate relationship with T.O. is taking a turn. Although I still can't get used to many aspects of this urban jungle, I've met some awesome people who are struggling as I am to find balance and connection amid all the concrete and chaos. They're the folks that keep my feet firmly planted, and I thank them for all the support, care, time, resources, and friendship they've shared, even when I hide away in my cave on evenings and weekends that ought to be spent in warm company. Sorry.
Hopefully the above friends will be happy to know that I am committing to making some positive changes in my life to quell my sometimes intense episodes of anxiety, particularly during the commute to and from everywhere in this city (the main, primary, dominant reason why it's so hard for me to leave my safe cell). When I'm having one of those episodes, my breathing slows down quite a bit, like I'm holding my breath for what might happen next. Then my body becomes as rigid as a surfboard. I try to focus on what I'm reading or listening to on my wee mp3 player, but the closeness of the crowds, the clattering clop clops of hurrying feet, the bumps and jostles, the stepping on toes by the ones who don't hold onto the bars (ok I know it's great for strengthening balance, but do they have to stand so close to me?), the folks talking behind me on their cell phones, the folks talking like they're talking into a megaphone, the tobacco smoke wafting from entrances and alleys, the strong perfumes and musky smells, and then, then there are the ones that head straight into me as I head straight into them, both of us holding our ground in anticipation of the collision!
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| T.O. - my love-hate relationship. It's a binary. There's no in-between here. |
You can imagine what state I'm in by the time I get to my destination. But there is a real comfort in knowing that probably half the population of this city (maybe more) has experienced/is experiencing very similar situations and symptoms, if not worse. Whenever I have commuter stress now, I've found some strategies that work for me:
1) Observe interactions between parents/caregivers and their children - it's so comforting to watch people give love and care to kids, and also how the kids respond to their affection.
2) Stop to watch the chirping sparrows, squirrels, and pigeons and say "awww". "Awww" is a good expression because it helps dissipate my anger and impatience. Try it! It will give you an instant feeling of goodness!
3) Expanding on #2 - watch dogs walking alongside their owners or dog walkers. OMG, the dogs on the sidewalks of T.O. are the cutest, the friendliest, and most well-behaved, except when they're taking a piss or poo - nasty!
4) Look UP! If I'm looking up at the clouds moving across the sky and up, up at the tallest buildings in the city, I immediately feel a sense of calm surround me, but oops! cut the construction noise, please!
5) Listening to slow piano instrumentals are always nice and helps me look at people with happiness, but then the track changes to a Rihanna song, and I get back to being mad poker-faced me!
There are also behaviours that only aggravate the anxiety and frustration I feel:
1) Walk too fast - when I walk too fast, I tend to have less patience - yeah, please move out of my way, thanks.
2) Walk while listening to fast-tempo music (like the Rihanna tune) - this steals away presence and distracts my mind; it also sometimes inflates my ego depending on the song (lol, wish I could dance like Rihanna!)
3) Walk while thinking negative thoughts - these will definitely contribute to some displays of meanness!
Ok, I've digressed from the original point which was about coming to some transitional period in my life. Well, one of those transitions is ironically staying put. But a few other transitions are: getting rid of my electronic piano (I will get an upright later on in life - I'd rather practice on the real thing!), possibly adopting a pet companion to offer them a forever home (here I go - "awwww"!), changing my diet - slowly, slowly, baby steps towards more plant-based consumption, getting back on the running schedule (entering a few 5Ks in the fall!), and the biggest change that will require a heck of a lot of commitment (and sacrifice): setting clear boundaries in my relationships with various people and communities that show respect and care to all. I've spent way too much of my time enabling others because I have the insufferable quality of always feeling sorry for the lot of humankind! Ugh! This trait has brought me many rewards and some valuable transformative lessons, but it has also brought many failures. I've been working on it though through reading, talking to folks, training my brain to think and act differently, and finding some very strong mentors.
I guess as I work through these transitions, I'll eventually get to my goals/destinations, a thought that might also help in my daily commute where the endearing and the infuriating converge.
Awww!
