Have you ever loved to do something so much and then tried and tried to do it, but you always fell short? Always failed? Always self-sabotaged? I know many of us have all been there, and through all the failures, the dream still clings to us like a warm spring breeze to remind us that there is still so much left to do before the day is done.
I've had a dream for a very long long time - since I was a child. I did a lot in the past decade to try to achieve that dream, but I never quite reached my mark. A lot has happened in my life that took me off course. I became more interested in helping others build their dreams. It all seems so noble, but I was shortchanging myself and the people I was trying to help by not focusing on what mattered most to me.
Well, this dream is still there inside me, nudging me to do it right this time because this time I've got nothing in my way. I'm starting right from scratch, and it's going to take a year and a half before I'll be prepared to pursue my dream in an educational setting. All the preparation work will hopefully pay off and land me a placement at a particular school I want to attend. I'll be 40 years old in 2012 - the year when my commitment will be tested, challenged, assessed, and then either given a thumbs up or a thumbs down. It's a risk for a person at my age to do this, but I have nothing else I want to do more. Not even writing, though writing too is part of this dream...just in a different context.
No, this dream will follow me into old age when I can still make a difference in people's lives. This dream I'm building is one that will bring healing to myself and to others. I don't know what the future holds for me - whether I'll always be single and whether I'll always live in this tiny space or not - but whatever may come, I hope that my dream will be a reality by that time. I hope that my dream will be the very thing I live and breathe each day I wake up.
I can't say more about it. I'm keeping this all under lock and key until I've made headway, until 2012 when I achieve the 2nd most important step in the process. The first step is the preparation, so it's the initial commitment, and equally important. I've chosen the people who I want to help me get to that dream, and I've also chosen the tools. Now, I have to choose myself, this body, and make it work for this dream in ways it never worked before.
If I pass the 2nd step, the 3rd one involves four years in an academic environment till I get my 2nd degree. I'll be 44. By 45, I want to achieve the dream, which is related once again to helping others, but this time, I'll be well-prepared for the work. And it's work I plan to do for as long as I live. I will do it happily with passion and humility.
I almost gave up. I was ready to spend the rest of my life in obscurity with a strangled voice, and then die that way, but nope! There's another force, another energy inside, propelling me to move, move, move and make this dream a reality. It's time to re-invent myself in order to adapt my mind, my body, my spirit to this challenging process.
It's all just beginning, and it feels exactly the same as falling in love only I know for sure that this one is a keeper.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Best Anti-Depressant is...
MANUAL LABOUR...at least for me. I just got a job building, dismantling and stocking shelves. It involves some heavy lifting, working with wood and metal, handling merchandise, and standing on my feet for 7.5 hours in a pair of steel-toe shoes that are as stiff as cardboard. Hard work, but it's a real blessing to have a job at all. I'd been teaching English for the last 13 years, but had to bid farewell to that career just a few short months ago because of the voice disability (see older post on Spasmodic Dysphonia). Now, with this strangled voice, all I'm good for until I can afford further job re-training is manual labour. I'm fortunate to still have a pretty strong body to handle this kind of work. I'm also glad that I've long given up my more feminine proclivities - craigslisted all my shoes (not that I had a whole lot of shoes to begin with actually), donated the dresses, discarded the goopy colourful make-up that was a bitch to take off, got the hair cut short so I wouldn't have to think about it, stripped my appearance down and wore only dull dark colours so I'd be less conspicuous. As a matter of fact, I could actually be a boy - I mean a BOY, not a man!
Not that I despise the woman in me, but doing this sort of work doesn't exactly bring up images of me walking down the runway in Karl Lagerfeld's latest creation for the House of Chanel. Better yet, a sweeping silky red Oscar de la Renta number with matching purse. The woman in me has just disappeared for a while till I can bring myself back up to speed, and if it takes working 40 hours a week on a construction site making the daily wages that many newcomers to Canada make, so be it. It's a far cry from my teaching days, but my teaching days required another kind of labour - mental - that was just as exhausting as working with your hands all day.
What I particularly wanted to say about manual labour is that I'm so zonked out from standing on my feet, lifting, carrying, moving, shoving, pulling, and crouching at the end of the day, that I just can't give time to anything else. As a matter of fact, I barely have enough energy to even think. Which brings me to the main point of this post and that is - manual labour has become my anti-depressant. I've been wrestling with a lot of troubling emotions in the last couple of months, weeks, even years...without any end to the daily thoughts and feelings that many people feel when they're down. However, doing this sort of work takes your mind off of that, and actually numbs the pain just like a real anti-d pill does. There are no pills here except the ones I'm stocking on the shelves nor no possible side effects, just physical labour...and a feeling of numbness. No emotions. All I hear is the shuffling and shifting of my body as it moves to and fro doing what my mind chose for a temporary period of time. A temporary period of time to allow me some freedom from the conscious awareness of my reality. Some time and space to re-balance the spirit. With my dirty and scraped hands, I feel a certain emptiness of being, but I can also sense being in the here and now.
I don't necessarily feel great. I feel humbled. In the past, I tried messing with the gods (and messed up), and they've sent me right back to square one, perhaps just a little higher than the lowest rung. They took my voice away, gave me an incurable heartache and poison, and then left me for dead. So I realized that I needed to figure this thing out, and what appeared was this job. There are long intervals of time when my heart and head can clear, and that's all I really need right now. I'm glad to be taking this "pill" at the moment, and I'm hoping it'll continue to numb me until all the "bad" stuff dies in me. Everything else will hopefully remain intact, for after this labour-intensive job is done, and the clouds have cleared, a new path with more lessons to be learned will be ready and waiting for me.
Not that I despise the woman in me, but doing this sort of work doesn't exactly bring up images of me walking down the runway in Karl Lagerfeld's latest creation for the House of Chanel. Better yet, a sweeping silky red Oscar de la Renta number with matching purse. The woman in me has just disappeared for a while till I can bring myself back up to speed, and if it takes working 40 hours a week on a construction site making the daily wages that many newcomers to Canada make, so be it. It's a far cry from my teaching days, but my teaching days required another kind of labour - mental - that was just as exhausting as working with your hands all day.
What I particularly wanted to say about manual labour is that I'm so zonked out from standing on my feet, lifting, carrying, moving, shoving, pulling, and crouching at the end of the day, that I just can't give time to anything else. As a matter of fact, I barely have enough energy to even think. Which brings me to the main point of this post and that is - manual labour has become my anti-depressant. I've been wrestling with a lot of troubling emotions in the last couple of months, weeks, even years...without any end to the daily thoughts and feelings that many people feel when they're down. However, doing this sort of work takes your mind off of that, and actually numbs the pain just like a real anti-d pill does. There are no pills here except the ones I'm stocking on the shelves nor no possible side effects, just physical labour...and a feeling of numbness. No emotions. All I hear is the shuffling and shifting of my body as it moves to and fro doing what my mind chose for a temporary period of time. A temporary period of time to allow me some freedom from the conscious awareness of my reality. Some time and space to re-balance the spirit. With my dirty and scraped hands, I feel a certain emptiness of being, but I can also sense being in the here and now.
I don't necessarily feel great. I feel humbled. In the past, I tried messing with the gods (and messed up), and they've sent me right back to square one, perhaps just a little higher than the lowest rung. They took my voice away, gave me an incurable heartache and poison, and then left me for dead. So I realized that I needed to figure this thing out, and what appeared was this job. There are long intervals of time when my heart and head can clear, and that's all I really need right now. I'm glad to be taking this "pill" at the moment, and I'm hoping it'll continue to numb me until all the "bad" stuff dies in me. Everything else will hopefully remain intact, for after this labour-intensive job is done, and the clouds have cleared, a new path with more lessons to be learned will be ready and waiting for me.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Lack of Care in the Age of HIV & AIDS
First, let me begin with some statistics which I won't validate with adjectives. I'll give my readers the freedom to choose which word or collection of words might describe their reactions to what I've written below.
According to a recent publication of the Ontario AIDS Network:
(1) 32% of people believe incorrectly that HIV can be transmitted through kissing
(2) 29% believe incorrectly that HIV can be transmitted through a mosquito bite
(3) 26% would feel uncomfortable working in an office where someone developed HIV/AIDS
(4) 49% say that they would feel uncomfortable using a restaurant drinking glass once used by a person living with HIV/AIDS
(5) 20% do not believe in supporting the rights of people living with HIV/AIDS
In Canada:
- at least 97 people have been charged with HIV non-disclosure and convictions.
- since 2003 there has been an average of 10 cases per year.
- at least 59 people have been convicted.
- in 24 cases a person was convicted even though there was no HIV transmission alleged to have taken place.
- almost 90% of the people convicted have gone to jail.
- white people make up about 30% of people charged. Black people make up almost 25%. Aboriginal and other people make up about 6%. It is unknown the race and ethnicity of the other people charged.
- Ontario leads Canada with at least 47 cases and 31 convictions.
In Canada, a person living with HIV who does not disclose his or her status to a sex partner can be convicted of the Criminal Code offence of aggravated assault even when a sex partner does not become infected with HIV. Parliament did not change the Criminal Code to include an HIV/AIDS-specific crime.
People living with HIV in Canada face stigma and discrimination. HIV disclosure can lead to loss of privacy, employment, housing, friends and family, and sometimes lead to violence. The criminal law does not recognize this reality.
Even when a court finds a person not guilty, his or her life may have already been destroyed. A photo or medical information may have been reported in the media. Before a trial takes place he or she has been judged "guilty" in the court of public opinion. And he or she may have spent many months in jail awaiting trial.
The Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS) recognized a limited role for the criminal law, in cases of intentional transmission - where a person knows his or her HIV-positive status, acts with the intention to transmit HIV, and successfully transmits HIV. UNAIDS also takes the position that the criminal law should not be applied where an HIV-positive person took reasonable measures to reduce risk of transmission, such as practising safer sex by using a condom or taking other precautions to avoid high-risk sexual acts.
Against this pervasive lack of sensitivity in the legal system and in the public realm, people living with HIV must open themselves to the threat of public exposure and the consequences that such a breach of privacy can bring: shaming, discrimination, humiliation, isolation, loss of friends, loss of family, incredible stress and anxiety, and so many more debilitating activities and emotions. It can all drive a person living with HIV to harm him or herself or to harm others or be harmed by others.
It also appears that the onus of guilt and blame rests solely on the poz person. A telling quote from Justice Edwin Cameron on the criminalization of HIV transmission reveals what the legal system and the apparent victims of HIV exposure never allow themselves to see in cases where sexual activity was mutually agreed upon by both parties.
"One wonders whether the ensuing public debate leaves space for asking who the accused's sexual partners were and what responsibility they take, 28 years after HIV became a known reality on the continent of North America, for having unprotected sex with him/her. The mediaeval dynamics of public shaming, of gross but partial community condemnation, and of crudely emotive responses instead of considered reactions do not seem too far away."
In my estimation, neither the accused nor his/her accusers win. Both parties are further isolated from the other, thereby closing off all opportunities to speak openly and honestly. The accused gets demonized. Also, humankind in trying times will often look to another to blame instead of taking responsibility for their own choices. Of course, sex for the people I'm referring to was mutual; what really needed to happen before the two people jumped into risky behaviour was to negotiate the terms of sexual activity, and understand why they chose to overlook protective measures to reduce the chances of transmission - HIV and other STIs.
In this day and age, you'd think we'd all be enlightened enough to communicate with our lovers freely about our sexual preferences but if our education system does not give kids the chance to learn about sex and safe sex and be open about expressing their budding sexualities, then how are they ever going to communicate about sex in their adult lives?
Furthermore, the lack of HIV/AIDS education and awareness in our communities is appalling. People continue to fear disclosing their HIV status to their loved ones and peer groups, who in turn, still hold onto exaggerated and false claims about HIV transmission, not bothering to educate themselves on the advances in scientific and medical research.
Why do people choose to remain in the dark? So many factors: religious, cultural, social, political, historical...All of these certainly play out in any sexual relationship between consenting adults.
AIDS service organizations might serve the practical needs of a person living with HIV and may offer a lot of support in other ways too, but they can never replace the sincere care and concern of a friend or family member. People living with HIV who have the support of their loved ones and are fully open about their status have a far greater chance of living longer, more fully, and more at peace with the past that brought them to HIV.
But the ones who are still struggling are frequently the ones who are still in hiding. Why are they still in hiding? Because they don't want to bring shame on themselves and their loved ones; because they don't want to place the burden of care on their loveds one; because they've already been shunned by their loved ones.
Without home or hope, the rejected find ways to survive the lack of love and acceptance in their lives; they will hide their heads in guilt and in pain.
The law on HIV transmission is still very ambiguous. But what doesn't have to be ambiguous are our feelings for the people we love. If we learn to have sex responsibly with respect and trust, and with the knowledge that there is caring and compassion and that the level of caring and compassion won't disappear after one night, then I highly doubt that people will be running to the courts and charging their ex-lovers. The two people can consciously engage in a dialogue that seeks to repair the damage done. It's a possibility. A hope.
A sexual experience might have a lot of conditions attached to it, but it's after this experience when the two people might have forgotten each other's names or might have moved onto others that the true nature and power of unconditional love can be witnessed in the loving care, kindness, and ongoing support and friendship these two people give to each other.
Please keep people living with HIV out of the prisons. Love and support them, and help create a world free of stigma and discrimination.
According to a recent publication of the Ontario AIDS Network:
(1) 32% of people believe incorrectly that HIV can be transmitted through kissing
(2) 29% believe incorrectly that HIV can be transmitted through a mosquito bite
(3) 26% would feel uncomfortable working in an office where someone developed HIV/AIDS
(4) 49% say that they would feel uncomfortable using a restaurant drinking glass once used by a person living with HIV/AIDS
(5) 20% do not believe in supporting the rights of people living with HIV/AIDS
In Canada:
- at least 97 people have been charged with HIV non-disclosure and convictions.
- since 2003 there has been an average of 10 cases per year.
- at least 59 people have been convicted.
- in 24 cases a person was convicted even though there was no HIV transmission alleged to have taken place.
- almost 90% of the people convicted have gone to jail.
- white people make up about 30% of people charged. Black people make up almost 25%. Aboriginal and other people make up about 6%. It is unknown the race and ethnicity of the other people charged.
- Ontario leads Canada with at least 47 cases and 31 convictions.
In Canada, a person living with HIV who does not disclose his or her status to a sex partner can be convicted of the Criminal Code offence of aggravated assault even when a sex partner does not become infected with HIV. Parliament did not change the Criminal Code to include an HIV/AIDS-specific crime.
People living with HIV in Canada face stigma and discrimination. HIV disclosure can lead to loss of privacy, employment, housing, friends and family, and sometimes lead to violence. The criminal law does not recognize this reality.
Even when a court finds a person not guilty, his or her life may have already been destroyed. A photo or medical information may have been reported in the media. Before a trial takes place he or she has been judged "guilty" in the court of public opinion. And he or she may have spent many months in jail awaiting trial.
The Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS) recognized a limited role for the criminal law, in cases of intentional transmission - where a person knows his or her HIV-positive status, acts with the intention to transmit HIV, and successfully transmits HIV. UNAIDS also takes the position that the criminal law should not be applied where an HIV-positive person took reasonable measures to reduce risk of transmission, such as practising safer sex by using a condom or taking other precautions to avoid high-risk sexual acts.
Against this pervasive lack of sensitivity in the legal system and in the public realm, people living with HIV must open themselves to the threat of public exposure and the consequences that such a breach of privacy can bring: shaming, discrimination, humiliation, isolation, loss of friends, loss of family, incredible stress and anxiety, and so many more debilitating activities and emotions. It can all drive a person living with HIV to harm him or herself or to harm others or be harmed by others.
It also appears that the onus of guilt and blame rests solely on the poz person. A telling quote from Justice Edwin Cameron on the criminalization of HIV transmission reveals what the legal system and the apparent victims of HIV exposure never allow themselves to see in cases where sexual activity was mutually agreed upon by both parties.
"One wonders whether the ensuing public debate leaves space for asking who the accused's sexual partners were and what responsibility they take, 28 years after HIV became a known reality on the continent of North America, for having unprotected sex with him/her. The mediaeval dynamics of public shaming, of gross but partial community condemnation, and of crudely emotive responses instead of considered reactions do not seem too far away."
In my estimation, neither the accused nor his/her accusers win. Both parties are further isolated from the other, thereby closing off all opportunities to speak openly and honestly. The accused gets demonized. Also, humankind in trying times will often look to another to blame instead of taking responsibility for their own choices. Of course, sex for the people I'm referring to was mutual; what really needed to happen before the two people jumped into risky behaviour was to negotiate the terms of sexual activity, and understand why they chose to overlook protective measures to reduce the chances of transmission - HIV and other STIs.
In this day and age, you'd think we'd all be enlightened enough to communicate with our lovers freely about our sexual preferences but if our education system does not give kids the chance to learn about sex and safe sex and be open about expressing their budding sexualities, then how are they ever going to communicate about sex in their adult lives?
Furthermore, the lack of HIV/AIDS education and awareness in our communities is appalling. People continue to fear disclosing their HIV status to their loved ones and peer groups, who in turn, still hold onto exaggerated and false claims about HIV transmission, not bothering to educate themselves on the advances in scientific and medical research.
Why do people choose to remain in the dark? So many factors: religious, cultural, social, political, historical...All of these certainly play out in any sexual relationship between consenting adults.
AIDS service organizations might serve the practical needs of a person living with HIV and may offer a lot of support in other ways too, but they can never replace the sincere care and concern of a friend or family member. People living with HIV who have the support of their loved ones and are fully open about their status have a far greater chance of living longer, more fully, and more at peace with the past that brought them to HIV.
But the ones who are still struggling are frequently the ones who are still in hiding. Why are they still in hiding? Because they don't want to bring shame on themselves and their loved ones; because they don't want to place the burden of care on their loveds one; because they've already been shunned by their loved ones.
Without home or hope, the rejected find ways to survive the lack of love and acceptance in their lives; they will hide their heads in guilt and in pain.
The law on HIV transmission is still very ambiguous. But what doesn't have to be ambiguous are our feelings for the people we love. If we learn to have sex responsibly with respect and trust, and with the knowledge that there is caring and compassion and that the level of caring and compassion won't disappear after one night, then I highly doubt that people will be running to the courts and charging their ex-lovers. The two people can consciously engage in a dialogue that seeks to repair the damage done. It's a possibility. A hope.
A sexual experience might have a lot of conditions attached to it, but it's after this experience when the two people might have forgotten each other's names or might have moved onto others that the true nature and power of unconditional love can be witnessed in the loving care, kindness, and ongoing support and friendship these two people give to each other.
Please keep people living with HIV out of the prisons. Love and support them, and help create a world free of stigma and discrimination.
Friday, October 8, 2010
SUPER-HEROES OF THE WORLD, PLEASE RESCUE ME or maybe...
I need to rescue myself. In my last blog, I acknowledged the importance of community workers who help people in need of some support and care. While I can't emphasize enough the important role community workers, volunteers and activists, and professionals like our shrinks, healthcare workers, lawyers who represent people with disabilities, refugees, and new immigrants, and prison justice workers play in our lives, there is something to be said for self-healing.
I was recently in a meeting with an employment counsellor who assists people with disabilities and helps them get back into the work force. He told me that the people he sees would brighten up in his office as they discussed their career goals and plans, but then once the meeting was over, they'd hide themselves back in their quiet and lonely apartments. I can certainly identify with that, but I'm sure many many people can identify with that - single apartment dwellers' complex? Perhaps. Perhaps more than just that. Loneliness can be further exacerbated by feelings of guilt, shame, fear, depression, and anxiety. Poverty also plays a significant role.
The other day, I saw a man begging for food at a subway station - something I see everyday in this city like so many other Canadian cities. What I realized more so than ever was the stigma he had to deal with because he was engaging in socially unacceptable behaviour - begging. I thought, how does this man feel at the end of the day, staring up at the great big sky with a hungry belly gnawing away at him, and thinking of all the people who can't stand the sight of him? I felt guilty because I too stepped away from him and could only give him a sympathetic look wishing I could make myself feel better by giving him some change. But my pockets were also empty.
I asked myself if this man had a self-healing mechanism that would help him survive the onslaught of stares and avoidance responses day after day. He, like many other people on the streets, don't give up. Each day, they wake up with a renewed sense of hope that someone somewhere will give them a bit of change or buy them a coffee. Someone somewhere. It's not just a simple kind of hope either. It's hope for humanity. The hope that someone somewhere is a kind person who's not going to walk by thinking that he's on crack or will use the loonie offered to feed his drug habit. And even if he did, does anyone have the right to judge this man? Is he a bad person?
I don't think so.
True, there are definitely shelters and churches he could visit to get a decent meal and a warm bed. So why is he out there? Well, he's got his reasons. But he's out there also for someone somewhere. The someone somewheres who MIGHT stop and give. This is not to say that we need to give every time we bump into a person begging for food or money, but the opportunity is always there for us to create some positive healing energy for ourselves and for others. We don't need to feel guilty because we can't or we won't because we know another chance will always come. Everday, we are given blessings, even in the eyes of the poor.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I'm still waiting to get some counselling support, but while I wait, I read literature that helps me strip away the layers of my ego, and my illusions. These books have confirmed many of my own beliefs, but have also encouraged me to see new perspectives that I don't often entertain. For instance, in Rollo May's "Love and Will", he writes that even our wishes must be examined for we can not wish for something that unbalances us and doesn't take into consideration the other people who might be part of that wish. If I wish for a person to love me, but knowing that this person doesn't in the present reality, that's not a very empowering wish. It will only reduce me to serving that other person's needs until he/she sees that I am worthy of love. And so our wishes take on great importance for our hearts and for our minds, and for our bodies. The key is to wish for something that will bring greater fulfillment in a healthy and life-affirming way. But it takes time to work out just what exactly is healthy and life-affirming.
The self-help lit on the power of our thoughts to get us what we want errs in that it encourages us to meet the needs of our egos. Yes, yes, I understand the importance of our egos - it's a part of us afterall! We can't completely disconnect from it, but we can help it choose those thoughts and wishes wisely. We should stop to ask ourselves: "is this really good for me or do I just want it because it'll give me status?" And "in the long run, will I feel fulfilled by this?" We might say "you're damn right it'll make me feel fulfilled!" But then, in our learning process (the more knowledge we have of the human condition, the more we grow and see more and more of the complexities of our choices), we might strip away yet another layer, and see that the thing we wanted wasn't something we wanted at all, and wasn't actually good for us. But in each learning experience (even trauma), we keep uncovering more and more of ourselves but only if we open our hearts and minds to that self-analysis and reflection.
In a way, I'm lucky that I have been left alone to think this through in a safe and humble environment: this lovely little apartment with neighbours who are also women living on their own. We have a kind landlord and my rent is super cheap for this part of town. I am blessed to have all of this. And I am blessed that I've been given the time to think my troubles through and to come to a better place in my heart for myself and for the people who have troubled me. I know this isn't going to be easy for anyone who knows me and knows of what I've gone through to digest, but I've come to loving the people who have brought this isolation into my life all the more. And it's not just one individual, there are several, and they have all had a hand in creating this solitude for me, so I can be free to explore, to love unconditionally with no limits, expectations, obligations or rules on what or who to love. I can send out my unconditional love out into the universe and be part of an energy field that understands our deepest sorrows and regrets. Everyday we're alive, we get another chance to save ourselves. Another day to be the someone somewhere for ourselves.
True, some people are so far gone that they are not capable of helping themselves, and are in need of professional care for the rest of their lives. But in them, there is still that power to rescue even a little part of themselves if they are encouraged to do so, even the millions of men, women, and young people behind bars.
I don't believe that people necessarily change or change overnight. Everything in life comes in waves. A moment of inspiration can propel us to do a kind deed, but then that passes, and we might then do something unkind, maybe to ourselves or to another person. I think the more aware we are of when those changes occur, when we become better at reading those waves, our choices in those moments will be greatly affected, and we will learn to choose for the good in us. We become our "someone somewhere" and we now have the tools to hopefully rescue ourselves with love and humility.
I was recently in a meeting with an employment counsellor who assists people with disabilities and helps them get back into the work force. He told me that the people he sees would brighten up in his office as they discussed their career goals and plans, but then once the meeting was over, they'd hide themselves back in their quiet and lonely apartments. I can certainly identify with that, but I'm sure many many people can identify with that - single apartment dwellers' complex? Perhaps. Perhaps more than just that. Loneliness can be further exacerbated by feelings of guilt, shame, fear, depression, and anxiety. Poverty also plays a significant role.
The other day, I saw a man begging for food at a subway station - something I see everyday in this city like so many other Canadian cities. What I realized more so than ever was the stigma he had to deal with because he was engaging in socially unacceptable behaviour - begging. I thought, how does this man feel at the end of the day, staring up at the great big sky with a hungry belly gnawing away at him, and thinking of all the people who can't stand the sight of him? I felt guilty because I too stepped away from him and could only give him a sympathetic look wishing I could make myself feel better by giving him some change. But my pockets were also empty.
I asked myself if this man had a self-healing mechanism that would help him survive the onslaught of stares and avoidance responses day after day. He, like many other people on the streets, don't give up. Each day, they wake up with a renewed sense of hope that someone somewhere will give them a bit of change or buy them a coffee. Someone somewhere. It's not just a simple kind of hope either. It's hope for humanity. The hope that someone somewhere is a kind person who's not going to walk by thinking that he's on crack or will use the loonie offered to feed his drug habit. And even if he did, does anyone have the right to judge this man? Is he a bad person?
I don't think so.
True, there are definitely shelters and churches he could visit to get a decent meal and a warm bed. So why is he out there? Well, he's got his reasons. But he's out there also for someone somewhere. The someone somewheres who MIGHT stop and give. This is not to say that we need to give every time we bump into a person begging for food or money, but the opportunity is always there for us to create some positive healing energy for ourselves and for others. We don't need to feel guilty because we can't or we won't because we know another chance will always come. Everday, we are given blessings, even in the eyes of the poor.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I'm still waiting to get some counselling support, but while I wait, I read literature that helps me strip away the layers of my ego, and my illusions. These books have confirmed many of my own beliefs, but have also encouraged me to see new perspectives that I don't often entertain. For instance, in Rollo May's "Love and Will", he writes that even our wishes must be examined for we can not wish for something that unbalances us and doesn't take into consideration the other people who might be part of that wish. If I wish for a person to love me, but knowing that this person doesn't in the present reality, that's not a very empowering wish. It will only reduce me to serving that other person's needs until he/she sees that I am worthy of love. And so our wishes take on great importance for our hearts and for our minds, and for our bodies. The key is to wish for something that will bring greater fulfillment in a healthy and life-affirming way. But it takes time to work out just what exactly is healthy and life-affirming.
The self-help lit on the power of our thoughts to get us what we want errs in that it encourages us to meet the needs of our egos. Yes, yes, I understand the importance of our egos - it's a part of us afterall! We can't completely disconnect from it, but we can help it choose those thoughts and wishes wisely. We should stop to ask ourselves: "is this really good for me or do I just want it because it'll give me status?" And "in the long run, will I feel fulfilled by this?" We might say "you're damn right it'll make me feel fulfilled!" But then, in our learning process (the more knowledge we have of the human condition, the more we grow and see more and more of the complexities of our choices), we might strip away yet another layer, and see that the thing we wanted wasn't something we wanted at all, and wasn't actually good for us. But in each learning experience (even trauma), we keep uncovering more and more of ourselves but only if we open our hearts and minds to that self-analysis and reflection.
In a way, I'm lucky that I have been left alone to think this through in a safe and humble environment: this lovely little apartment with neighbours who are also women living on their own. We have a kind landlord and my rent is super cheap for this part of town. I am blessed to have all of this. And I am blessed that I've been given the time to think my troubles through and to come to a better place in my heart for myself and for the people who have troubled me. I know this isn't going to be easy for anyone who knows me and knows of what I've gone through to digest, but I've come to loving the people who have brought this isolation into my life all the more. And it's not just one individual, there are several, and they have all had a hand in creating this solitude for me, so I can be free to explore, to love unconditionally with no limits, expectations, obligations or rules on what or who to love. I can send out my unconditional love out into the universe and be part of an energy field that understands our deepest sorrows and regrets. Everyday we're alive, we get another chance to save ourselves. Another day to be the someone somewhere for ourselves.
True, some people are so far gone that they are not capable of helping themselves, and are in need of professional care for the rest of their lives. But in them, there is still that power to rescue even a little part of themselves if they are encouraged to do so, even the millions of men, women, and young people behind bars.
I don't believe that people necessarily change or change overnight. Everything in life comes in waves. A moment of inspiration can propel us to do a kind deed, but then that passes, and we might then do something unkind, maybe to ourselves or to another person. I think the more aware we are of when those changes occur, when we become better at reading those waves, our choices in those moments will be greatly affected, and we will learn to choose for the good in us. We become our "someone somewhere" and we now have the tools to hopefully rescue ourselves with love and humility.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
When you're in need of some help...
...you can find it everywhere. It hasn't been an easy year for many people I know. We've all been hit by tragedies, trials, and challenges. I believe all come into our lives to make us stronger, wiser, and more compassionate people. We have a clearer sense of what it means to be human and to suffer. But in our pain and suffering, we don't always reach out to our friends and family because we know that they too have their own issues to sort out. It's in observing how they carry on with their lives through their trials that can serve as a basis of support. They don't physically have to hold our hand or be at our beck and call when we're down. We're not meant to be in one anothers' faces anyway. Too much intimacy between people can often break relationships. We can empower ourselves through the simple act of observation: hearing, seeing, touching the words and wisdom of our friends and family.
But there is always a need in us to bring our pain out. That's why we have counsellors, psychiatrists, support groups, non-profit organizations, and the like. And then we also have sports and recreational clubs, community centres, walk-a-thons, marathons, art shows, and open mics. There's no shortage of ways in which we can get healthy and positive therapy beyond what our personal relationships have the capacity to give us. I'm not suggesting that we replace the closeness of a friend with a professional and a clipboard. But both serve their purpose, and the latter takes much of the pressure and stress off the shoulders of our loved ones when situations might be too much to bear.
I guess that's why it's so important to be part of a strong, vibrant community with those services in place. Living in Toronto has definitely opened my eyes to the importance of community and we should all be aware of how government cutbacks and such can negatively affect these much-needed services and programs, without which we'd all go quite mad! I'm so thankful for the level of support I've been able to access as a person with a disability. I've met some exceptional people working in the non-profit community service field who know the importance of providing sincere and compassionate service to members of their communities. I can only imagine how difficult it would be and how much more challenging our suffering without these frontline workers.
Volunteering and charity are key to maintaining these programs and services and helping our communities build sustainable and healthy futures. God bless those who give their time as volunteers to put a smile on our faces. But our friends and family are too our volunteers - they are the ones who volunteer to support us throughout the course of our lives, and hopefully, we can give them the same.
It's an amazing thing - life - when we can see how many ways there are to better our lives through conscious care and concern for ourselves and for others. We realize we don't have to give up because no matter what, help really is just around the corner. We just have to be willing to reach out for it, and the only way to do so is to have belief in ourselves and faith that things will unfold in a positive direction even if it takes many many small steps to get there. Chances are we'll all have to take those steps at one point. Well all I can say is don't give up. There's always help out there, even in cyberspace. Communities grow in all directions and in many diverse forms and structures. There are almost 7 billion people in this world, so even if we think there's not enough in our corner of the world, there's always a lot more out there to discover. We're an adaptable species and can shape-shift, test out new identities and experience new frontiers. And with every step we take for our health and well-being, those opportunities will continue to expand and brighten our day in every little way because every little thing counts.
One for all, and all for one.
But there is always a need in us to bring our pain out. That's why we have counsellors, psychiatrists, support groups, non-profit organizations, and the like. And then we also have sports and recreational clubs, community centres, walk-a-thons, marathons, art shows, and open mics. There's no shortage of ways in which we can get healthy and positive therapy beyond what our personal relationships have the capacity to give us. I'm not suggesting that we replace the closeness of a friend with a professional and a clipboard. But both serve their purpose, and the latter takes much of the pressure and stress off the shoulders of our loved ones when situations might be too much to bear.
I guess that's why it's so important to be part of a strong, vibrant community with those services in place. Living in Toronto has definitely opened my eyes to the importance of community and we should all be aware of how government cutbacks and such can negatively affect these much-needed services and programs, without which we'd all go quite mad! I'm so thankful for the level of support I've been able to access as a person with a disability. I've met some exceptional people working in the non-profit community service field who know the importance of providing sincere and compassionate service to members of their communities. I can only imagine how difficult it would be and how much more challenging our suffering without these frontline workers.
Volunteering and charity are key to maintaining these programs and services and helping our communities build sustainable and healthy futures. God bless those who give their time as volunteers to put a smile on our faces. But our friends and family are too our volunteers - they are the ones who volunteer to support us throughout the course of our lives, and hopefully, we can give them the same.
It's an amazing thing - life - when we can see how many ways there are to better our lives through conscious care and concern for ourselves and for others. We realize we don't have to give up because no matter what, help really is just around the corner. We just have to be willing to reach out for it, and the only way to do so is to have belief in ourselves and faith that things will unfold in a positive direction even if it takes many many small steps to get there. Chances are we'll all have to take those steps at one point. Well all I can say is don't give up. There's always help out there, even in cyberspace. Communities grow in all directions and in many diverse forms and structures. There are almost 7 billion people in this world, so even if we think there's not enough in our corner of the world, there's always a lot more out there to discover. We're an adaptable species and can shape-shift, test out new identities and experience new frontiers. And with every step we take for our health and well-being, those opportunities will continue to expand and brighten our day in every little way because every little thing counts.
One for all, and all for one.
Friday, October 1, 2010
When Many Doors Close...
...it's time to re-invent yourself. It's not easy. It can seem a terrifying thing to take the next step, but our inaction can be equally terrifying and ultimately destructive if we continue to remain in a state of complete hopelessness. If the step we take is backwards, then at least we know we're still learning. There is still movement within that is seeking some treatment, some remedy. Compassion for ourselves is key. We're going to hear people preach to us, reprimand us, judge us, silence us, and ignore us because we allowed ourselves to fall so far into the hole of toxic love syndrome that we completely forgot that we too had bodies in need of nourishment and care. What's also important is that we not judge these people who negate us in turn but to allow them to think what they must until they themselves go through their own process of consciousness renewal. In short, we must be patient with ourselves and with others in order for anything of substance and beauty to come into our lives again.
As vast and far-reaching this universe is, so are the possibilities that come to our doors daily like the newspaper cloaked in a transparent rain-soaked bag. Open up the pages and we see a world of events and experiences that reflect the frailties, tragedies, and mysteries of existence, human and otherwise. We sense the full gamut of emotions as we read through the pages. Most importantly, we sense the power of being alive.
This is also true in our interactions with the big L word - Love. All our initial reactions to the falling in love process and then the subsequent break-up are really on the surface of things. It's really when we reflect on our choices and what possibly could have been the basis of such choices that all the pages begin to give way and we behold the much-desired weekend pull-out section that opens our eyes wide to all the depths and swirls of the sweetness and pain of love. We read and read, circling the sections we like the best, and taking note of the experiences we identify with the most, the ones that either leave our faith intact or a gaping hole of despair.
It's important to note as well that not everything is an "either or". Humans have a tendency to dichotomize everything and anything thereby reducing our lives to a mere black and white, when there is a whole spectrum of intentions, motivations, inspirations, movements, etc, that sometimes we can't see when we're always given the same two ways of looking at things. Our lives follow widely-accepted formulaic analyses that purport to understand something of human will and desire. The truth is the person who we fell in love with and who then walked out on us was not evil in choosing for him/herself another option in life. What he/she essentially did was both a selfish and a selfless thing, and many other things in between and beyond. He/she walked out so we too could be given the opportunity to turn in a new direction. Change is always good if we accept it completely. It's in the resistance to change that we experience intense suffering. At this point, objectivity is out the door, and subjectivity settles in to help us reclaim our lost dignity. We must find a reason to feel nothing but contempt toward the one who abandoned us so we could feel good about the abandonment!
But how limiting it is to view these souls that come into our lives (and ourselves too) as bad/evil! This negative energy is recreated in our thought processes and are sent out into a world already bursting with negativity and vibes of doom and destruction. Can we not consciously change our way of thinking to allow room for compassion and forgiveness? True, many relationship "survivors" do learn to forgive in time, after much reflection and analysis. They learn to forgive themselves and the one who hurt them. But sometimes the intensity of the pain is too much. What that person did to us and then leaving us to deal with is unforgivable. How do we keep our heads above water when the weight of the abuse, the trauma, the rejection, the shock seems so great?
There are no easy answers, just layers. Depths and layers. Wells and caves. Secure stones and rockslides. Shallow waters and tsunamis. And then many more possibilities than our human imaginations can conceive.
Where am I going with this? Well, in order for us to take full advantage of this process of change, we must be open to change itself. We must re-invent ourselves and learn to adapt, adjust, transform. We must learn to stand on our own again or stand on our own finally if that wasn't part of our former custom. Doors will be closing in all directions, and we'll feel like it's time to give up for good. People think that the only way out is through death. Though death does serve as ONE possibility, there are many others we can explore and that are far healthier, perhaps.
The thing is, our transformation has to be a determined effort to survive this thing called life. It might mean closing some doors ourselves - to friends, family, jobs, lifestyles, and whatever else that keep holding us back. That's why it's never an easy thing to re-invent, but when an experience as intense as an intimate relationship almost destroys us, what we do to heal can be just as intense and painful. We must say goodbye to old habits, to old ways of looking at ourselves, to old ways of being. Friends and family who see us a certain way might not be comfortable with the change, and they might resist it at all fronts, but at some point they too will defer to the power of rebirth, which is a force of nature that we must all fully experience and explore and finally accept.
This is what my failed relationship did for me. I have been quite resistant to any change since he left. All the resistance has brought is more suffering as I continue to think and behave according to the old patterns and cycles. My voice dysfunction persists as I continue to view myself as a victim and not a woman capable of taking the bull by the horns and changing my life for the better without needing to incriminate him. I can allow the anger to pass through me, but I must never allow it to possess me. What he did give me, and this, throughout our time together, was the push to WAKE UP ALREADY! I have to thank him for this, and I know it'll be a long process of transformation before I actually start reaping the benefits and understanding that my life does matter if I'm willing to learn the lessons and go forth with faith, courage, and compassion. In the end, that's all there's left to do, and what a brilliant adventure it is!
As vast and far-reaching this universe is, so are the possibilities that come to our doors daily like the newspaper cloaked in a transparent rain-soaked bag. Open up the pages and we see a world of events and experiences that reflect the frailties, tragedies, and mysteries of existence, human and otherwise. We sense the full gamut of emotions as we read through the pages. Most importantly, we sense the power of being alive.
This is also true in our interactions with the big L word - Love. All our initial reactions to the falling in love process and then the subsequent break-up are really on the surface of things. It's really when we reflect on our choices and what possibly could have been the basis of such choices that all the pages begin to give way and we behold the much-desired weekend pull-out section that opens our eyes wide to all the depths and swirls of the sweetness and pain of love. We read and read, circling the sections we like the best, and taking note of the experiences we identify with the most, the ones that either leave our faith intact or a gaping hole of despair.
It's important to note as well that not everything is an "either or". Humans have a tendency to dichotomize everything and anything thereby reducing our lives to a mere black and white, when there is a whole spectrum of intentions, motivations, inspirations, movements, etc, that sometimes we can't see when we're always given the same two ways of looking at things. Our lives follow widely-accepted formulaic analyses that purport to understand something of human will and desire. The truth is the person who we fell in love with and who then walked out on us was not evil in choosing for him/herself another option in life. What he/she essentially did was both a selfish and a selfless thing, and many other things in between and beyond. He/she walked out so we too could be given the opportunity to turn in a new direction. Change is always good if we accept it completely. It's in the resistance to change that we experience intense suffering. At this point, objectivity is out the door, and subjectivity settles in to help us reclaim our lost dignity. We must find a reason to feel nothing but contempt toward the one who abandoned us so we could feel good about the abandonment!
But how limiting it is to view these souls that come into our lives (and ourselves too) as bad/evil! This negative energy is recreated in our thought processes and are sent out into a world already bursting with negativity and vibes of doom and destruction. Can we not consciously change our way of thinking to allow room for compassion and forgiveness? True, many relationship "survivors" do learn to forgive in time, after much reflection and analysis. They learn to forgive themselves and the one who hurt them. But sometimes the intensity of the pain is too much. What that person did to us and then leaving us to deal with is unforgivable. How do we keep our heads above water when the weight of the abuse, the trauma, the rejection, the shock seems so great?
There are no easy answers, just layers. Depths and layers. Wells and caves. Secure stones and rockslides. Shallow waters and tsunamis. And then many more possibilities than our human imaginations can conceive.
Where am I going with this? Well, in order for us to take full advantage of this process of change, we must be open to change itself. We must re-invent ourselves and learn to adapt, adjust, transform. We must learn to stand on our own again or stand on our own finally if that wasn't part of our former custom. Doors will be closing in all directions, and we'll feel like it's time to give up for good. People think that the only way out is through death. Though death does serve as ONE possibility, there are many others we can explore and that are far healthier, perhaps.
The thing is, our transformation has to be a determined effort to survive this thing called life. It might mean closing some doors ourselves - to friends, family, jobs, lifestyles, and whatever else that keep holding us back. That's why it's never an easy thing to re-invent, but when an experience as intense as an intimate relationship almost destroys us, what we do to heal can be just as intense and painful. We must say goodbye to old habits, to old ways of looking at ourselves, to old ways of being. Friends and family who see us a certain way might not be comfortable with the change, and they might resist it at all fronts, but at some point they too will defer to the power of rebirth, which is a force of nature that we must all fully experience and explore and finally accept.
This is what my failed relationship did for me. I have been quite resistant to any change since he left. All the resistance has brought is more suffering as I continue to think and behave according to the old patterns and cycles. My voice dysfunction persists as I continue to view myself as a victim and not a woman capable of taking the bull by the horns and changing my life for the better without needing to incriminate him. I can allow the anger to pass through me, but I must never allow it to possess me. What he did give me, and this, throughout our time together, was the push to WAKE UP ALREADY! I have to thank him for this, and I know it'll be a long process of transformation before I actually start reaping the benefits and understanding that my life does matter if I'm willing to learn the lessons and go forth with faith, courage, and compassion. In the end, that's all there's left to do, and what a brilliant adventure it is!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)