What happened?

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere lies hidden memories of a past. PHOTO BY SI

Is it really important to find out what happened to you if you have no clue what happened? Can healing only be linked to "what happened" or is it possible for healing to come from never knowing the truth of what happened but working on managing the after-effects/consequences/symptoms of that truth? You may have an idea of what that truth could be, but you run into a mental barrier or a blockage that prevents you from discovering that truth. In seeking the truth, how to go about it if memory fails you? Still, can one heal without having to search for and unearth one's archaeology? Can we find liberation through what we know of ourselves in the now without the need to dynamite the concrete walls that imprison the past? Maybe it's for a good reason that we can't ever know.

Grieving with the rain

Boojie-Woojie looking into the lens and thinking fur-baby thoughts. Spring 2016. PHOTO BY SI

Today I picked up Boojie-Woojie's small blue urn and held it close to me. I wondered how all that big bright presence that was you could fit inside such a small space. I lit the candle beside the urn and the one placed on the table where your memorial photos greet me daily as soon as I enter the apartment. Lalu never lounges too far from it whenever I let her out on the stairwell. It's like she knows you're there watching over us.

In lighting candles in your memory every single night since your death at the end of January this year, it was my way of reaching out to whatever form and energy you are now. I don't know where you are. I only hope that wherever you may be and in whatever form, you are not suffering. It would break me completely if I ever discovered through all my explorations about life after death that you are now worse off. I am always praying that your joyful and active spirit is creating ripples of laughter and happiness through the elements that define your Heaven.

Boojie-Woojie, maybe you are aware that another fur baby will soon be arriving, another one who looks kind of like you but is also her own unique spirit. I found her the same way I found you, and I wonder if this is your way of giving me another chance. I will not delude myself into thinking that she may be you as a different fur baby. I know you're gone forever. But your memory will guide me towards a better life for myself and for Lalu and for the new one entering our home.

I don't know why whenever I think about you, whenever I talk about you, whenever I look at your photos, whenever I write about you, I shed such heavy tears. My heart will never be at rest knowing that I could have done so much more for you. I always think now how much you're missing out on and what fun it would have been for you as you continued growing and learning about the world around you. You were still a bit of a baby at 4 kitty years of age but in human years, you would have been a 20-something youth!

We all miss you very much, and you know what I mean when we say "we". All the humans who had the honour to know you and to care for you - they too think of you just as much as I do. We are always rooting for you, hoping and praying that someday we won't feel the intense pain of flashbacks of those final hours before your last breath; we will (and must) instead rejoice in and celebrate the brief and beautiful time you were with us.

Forever Boojie-Woojie-Boo-Boo. May Love be with you always.