Manifesting my humanity

                                                       

                                                                     PHOTO BY Shaz

Why can’t I be good? Acceptable? Strong in values? Committed to my family? Loyal to all my old and new friendships? Hard-working? Disciplined? And every admirable trait known to humxnkind because that’s what existing on this planet is about whether we humxns are aware of it or not, and whether we’re in favour of achieving such gratifying acts, thoughts, and feelings or would rather like to infuse them with a tablespoon or more of destruction. 

Mind you, I don’t wish any life’s expiration. I don’t sit in solitude casting calamitous hocus-pocus on those who may have taken part in damaging my character. And I have never doubted the loving hearts of the people closest to me. No, no. I only desire total annihilation for me on certain days when I can’t fathom the monstrousness deep within me. 

You’re probably wondering what infernal regions internal to this particular universe am I alluding to because if it remains a perplexity to your ethical convictions, you’ll have very little choice but to speculate. And most of us know that making assumptions about others based on too few facts or zero evidence for that matter creates a Frankenstein sort of effect whereby the affliction inside becomes compounded with bogus claptrap that if I were taken to court, all this added nonsense would be considered indubitable proof of my delinquency.

The truth? There aren’t any words in this language to allow myself to comfortably and without shame express exactly the inner torment that has been an undisclosed trajectory for most of my life since the age of two or three. I use trajectory because this portion of who I am on Earth continues to make an indelible and detectable curve or wound that dwells in me until this life I know terminates. 

I’ve always hoped for atonement. Every time I believed the abomination had gone, it comes charging back in greater degenerate depths. Defeated yet elated in the crude moment though it takes away my capability to spend hundreds and thousands of minutes and hours to do significant, rewarding, and purposeful endeavours to support my own health and wellbeing and make a lasting and meaningful difference in others. 

For instance, the knowledge and capacity I have could be utilized to help and support freedom, the humxn rights, the health and safety of the millions of people all over the globe who are suffering and are begging the international community to step in and rise up for humanity. We see this most recently in the brutal slayings of innocent civilians in Palestine by the occupying Zionist state and military forces of Is-raol. We are living in the 21st century, 2024 is just around the corner, and yet we are still having to witness the complete depravity, cruelty, and violence of humxns against their companion humxns who have lost their families, grandparents, mothers, fathers, children, friends, members of the press, healthcare providers, teachers, farmers, and many other humxns just like you and me who were just going about their days doing errands, etc. They were and are people with dreams and goals, all wiped out within seconds, hours, days, weeks and months. And their pets and animal companions were forced to face, too, this relentless assault on their peace, safety and dignity. Added to the despair, malnutrition, disease and poverty are now constant fixtures of an already beleaguered region. I would join so many humxns and add my voice and resources wholeheartedly to this tragic loss of life, land and liberty of the Palestinians. May God bless them and turn the tides in their favour. And may all the world wake up to acknowledge, and to act and be part of saving Palestine and the Palestinians from this genocide. 

I will conclude my post here with the responsibility that I must begin the process of healing ❤️‍🩹 what lies in my heart, mind and soul, so that I may be of generous and compassionate service to the world and its inhabitants - humxn, animal, all species. I know only this life and I must make it purposeful, exceptional, and trustworthy to myself and to all the world, the magnificent world and its equally magnificent residents. 

♥️

“Louder Than Bombs”

I asked myself what happens to a person when they cannot express their feelings, emotions, and deepest thoughts to at least one person who could understand them or tries to. It’s happened to me. I’ve seen it happen to other people around me. What happens is that the subconscious reacts in whatever ways could redirect this confluence of inner distress. Maybe taking a form that may not be palatable for society. Expressing an intensity whose depths and origins even the person who enacts the subsequent behaviours might not be conscious of. 

Why is this so? Why are so many people living their whole lives wrapped in silence about their circumstances, situations, life trajectories and inner conflicts - these elements that create anxiety, fear, sadness, anger, and the whole range of melancholia. By the way, men and boys have higher rates of the risk of suicide in Canada. 

The self-imposed or societal solitary confinement remains internal up to a certain point. Then the restraints become unbearable. We are busted open, not quietly, but - to borrow The Smiths album title - louder than bombs. The eruption can be heard by victims or loved ones, maybe by the cops and the media, and consequently, by the public. 

There is no specific research I can draw on off the top of my head that studies a correlation between repressed emotions or mental anguish to violent behaviour, but, if you, dear reader, do know of one or a few, please leave links in the comments. 

How I chose to cope with repression is through consuming an unsavoury list of dependencies that racked my body, mentally, physically, and emotionally, fracturing my essential character and how I presented myself to the world. Having been diagnosed with Spasmodic Dysphonia in 2008 was one variation of the fracturing. But, again, to borrow the song title this time from Ivy’s tune, I had to “keep moving” despite that my voice made people wince, cry, laugh, shout profanities my way, exclaim that I must leave at once because my voice was disturbing everyone else in the space - people wondered why I even spoke at all. I remember attending a lecture by Dr. Gabor Mate on mental health and then meeting him afterwards. He said there is something that I am preventing from getting out. He was right, of course, but I had no hint of what that could be then. Now, I’m getting closer to what it might be - I’m getting closer to this truth about me. The voice changes with every realization I have made regarding this truth.

Everyone has their truth and struggles with the self. Some people are fortunate to know others they trust with their lives and can be vulnerable around them and make declarations about their innermost beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions without the fear of judgement from these confidantes. But a great number of folks do not have warm, kind, supportive, and loving people around them who they can open up to at least about their deepest pain/hurt or the nethermost elements of their character. Furthermore, what we can reveal about ourselves is affected by a host of factors including: Does it conflict with the law? Are we abominable people for thinking and feeling this way? What actions have we already committed that could engender dismay or horror? Elements that perhaps would cause distress in the listener, a form of judgement no less. 

If The Thing is not disclosed to anyone, it is exposed through our habits and behaviours that possibly can lead to self-abnegation and/or force iniquities on to those we know and/or to those who are strangers. Society has been receiving the message to change the ways it perceives people who have troubling inner lives since time immemorial. Our systems built upon colonial rule, patriarchy, misogyny - ultimately, are codes of violence that systematized into coercive control of other peoples, their ways of life, and their lands. Change will not come to the West instantaneously because it is so steeped in the violence it created. 

This violence drives war, rape, human trafficking, displacement, inequality, racism, homophobia and transphobia, gender-based violence/intimate partner violence, and much, much more including the prison industrial complex. How about instead of putting people behind bars, we can develop alternative methods to ensure accountability by connecting them to programs and services where they can be heard and 

PHOTO BY NEEL SABETH

encouraged to contribute in self- and community-sustaining ways. Offer or create environments with universal health care and efficient social services, and strengthen and enhance the communities they self-identify with and provide assistance, assurance, compassion, care, treatment, respect, love, and dignity; otherwise, dying by suicide, for instance, will continue to make headlines and become a permanent fracture of our century. 

We now have the opportunity, the capacity, the human power, and the resources to transform and make it possible for people who are suffering privately excruciating attributes and conditions to express publicly in spaces that are safe(r) their deepest sorrow and darkest perturbations. They can receive steadfast attention and grow into transformative healing. In this way, society may realize and achieve healing as part of an equitable, compassionate, helping, and respectful landscape of new systems of care. A landscape that was punitive in scope - an ubiquity that could remain unchallenged except we, the people, can actualize a world that advances transformative justice and healing for all including other sentient beings, toppling these confining and decrepit regimes and their overbearing systems of domination. 

There is so much to learn about the nature of the self and transformative journeys in Indigenous Peoples’ theirstories, customs, cultures, practices, medicine, foods, ways of living, healing circles and health. These varied, diverse, and global nations have ancient and contemporary traditions that put transformative journeys for vulnerable populations into supportive practice within community. 

Free Palestine, The Congo, and all peoples who are trying to survive under colonial rule. Fight for the liberation of all people. Only then can we all be free. 

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