Recently, I was faced with a situation in which I was made to admit my blunder. I had mistakenly understood something that was said, and instead of clarifying whether what I had just thought I heard was true or not, I allowed my mind to take over, fill in the blanks, and react without caution, care, and foresight. I let reason and sound judgement slide, and took the lowest of the low road to make assumptions about someone. Well, my horrible behaviour slapped me straight in the face when I realized that my assertions about the situation were in fact so totally absolutely WRONG!
Omg! What do you do when you're faced with potentially huge ego destruction, and not in your own company, but in front of your equals? Well humxn nature is such that it can cause us to react in all sorts of ways. I had many choices before me: 1) hold my ground and emphatically state that I heard what I had heard, and there was no effin' way I was going to budge; 2) admit that I had actually misheard what was said, but place the onus on the other person and say that they should have said things more clearly; or, 3) admit I had misheard, and put the onus to clarify squarely on my shoulders. Well, I did a little of 2 initially, but then after my conscience got a hold of me, and shook me up a bit to get me to see straight, I responded with a strong affirmation of my mistake, and that the other person did not deserve to be subjected to the indignities that resulted due to my shoddy processing of reality.
Because of the error, the other person might very well be forever scarred, and, in my taking full accountability in no way frees me from the remorse I justly deserve and need to, have to, must feel. I acted atrociously towards a fellow human being, and now it's a matter of integrity and respect for me to commit to seeking some help to restore my mind and spirit so I can nurture more patience, kindness, empathy, and respect for others, and also encourage in myself an acceptance of where they're at and where I'm at in our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual journeys as we each try to find some peace among the chaos in our world. The chaos we ultimately cause.
I've observed that the times I've welcomed humility to influence my responses to conflict, things always had a way of working out, even if the relationship took a different form or even if the relationship had to end. In those times, I felt a much deeper sense of connection with those who, due to their own unique life experiences, stuggles, and personalities, played their roles in the collision of our tensions, traumas, and auras.
Well I've become more the wiser because these folks put me on the spot and challenged my stubborn and anxious ego. They held up a mirror to let me take stock, and face up to my very human incongruities. This is why the word
hate is a word that has never existed in my vocabulary. Despite all the ways in which I've been scorned, betrayed, harassed, insulted, shunned, rejected, judged, abused, and shamed, hate could never mess with my dogged belief that everyone I have ever crossed paths with had and has some hard lessons up their sleeves to teach me, even if we only engage in a moment (like the other day when I was in a grocery store, and standing next to this older man, who, when he saw me eyeing something on the shelf in front of me, said something under his breath in discomfort, and then when I reached over and picked up that thing, he very lightly touched my hand, and said almost in a whisper, "Tsk, tsk, don't do that." I realized what had happened and I said, "Sorry" as he walked away). Each time it happens, I get to grow all over again, and discard some more of the arrogant and oppressive behaviours and thinking that limit the opportunity for me to genuinely connect with my fellow humans.
In short, taking accountability for every situation, circumstance and loss I've had a part in creating is an incredibly liberating and humxnizing experience, which unquestionably brings me, and maybe the other folks with me equally involved in the struggle for validation and empathy, back to love. Back to LOVE, yeah.
