I need to rescue myself. In my last blog, I acknowledged the importance of community workers who help people in need of some support and care. While I can't emphasize enough the important role community workers, volunteers and activists, and professionals like our shrinks, healthcare workers, lawyers who represent people with disabilities, refugees, and new immigrants, and prison justice workers play in our lives, there is something to be said for self-healing.
I was recently in a meeting with an employment counsellor who assists people with disabilities and helps them get back into the work force. He told me that the people he sees would brighten up in his office as they discussed their career goals and plans, but then once the meeting was over, they'd hide themselves back in their quiet and lonely apartments. I can certainly identify with that, but I'm sure many many people can identify with that - single apartment dwellers' complex? Perhaps. Perhaps more than just that. Loneliness can be further exacerbated by feelings of guilt, shame, fear, depression, and anxiety. Poverty also plays a significant role.
The other day, I saw a man begging for food at a subway station - something I see everyday in this city like so many other Canadian cities. What I realized more so than ever was the stigma he had to deal with because he was engaging in socially unacceptable behaviour - begging. I thought, how does this man feel at the end of the day, staring up at the great big sky with a hungry belly gnawing away at him, and thinking of all the people who can't stand the sight of him? I felt guilty because I too stepped away from him and could only give him a sympathetic look wishing I could make myself feel better by giving him some change. But my pockets were also empty.
I asked myself if this man had a self-healing mechanism that would help him survive the onslaught of stares and avoidance responses day after day. He, like many other people on the streets, don't give up. Each day, they wake up with a renewed sense of hope that someone somewhere will give them a bit of change or buy them a coffee. Someone somewhere. It's not just a simple kind of hope either. It's hope for humanity. The hope that someone somewhere is a kind person who's not going to walk by thinking that he's on crack or will use the loonie offered to feed his drug habit. And even if he did, does anyone have the right to judge this man? Is he a bad person?
I don't think so.
True, there are definitely shelters and churches he could visit to get a decent meal and a warm bed. So why is he out there? Well, he's got his reasons. But he's out there also for someone somewhere. The someone somewheres who MIGHT stop and give. This is not to say that we need to give every time we bump into a person begging for food or money, but the opportunity is always there for us to create some positive healing energy for ourselves and for others. We don't need to feel guilty because we can't or we won't because we know another chance will always come. Everday, we are given blessings, even in the eyes of the poor.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I'm still waiting to get some counselling support, but while I wait, I read literature that helps me strip away the layers of my ego, and my illusions. These books have confirmed many of my own beliefs, but have also encouraged me to see new perspectives that I don't often entertain. For instance, in Rollo May's "Love and Will", he writes that even our wishes must be examined for we can not wish for something that unbalances us and doesn't take into consideration the other people who might be part of that wish. If I wish for a person to love me, but knowing that this person doesn't in the present reality, that's not a very empowering wish. It will only reduce me to serving that other person's needs until he/she sees that I am worthy of love. And so our wishes take on great importance for our hearts and for our minds, and for our bodies. The key is to wish for something that will bring greater fulfillment in a healthy and life-affirming way. But it takes time to work out just what exactly is healthy and life-affirming.
The self-help lit on the power of our thoughts to get us what we want errs in that it encourages us to meet the needs of our egos. Yes, yes, I understand the importance of our egos - it's a part of us afterall! We can't completely disconnect from it, but we can help it choose those thoughts and wishes wisely. We should stop to ask ourselves: "is this really good for me or do I just want it because it'll give me status?" And "in the long run, will I feel fulfilled by this?" We might say "you're damn right it'll make me feel fulfilled!" But then, in our learning process (the more knowledge we have of the human condition, the more we grow and see more and more of the complexities of our choices), we might strip away yet another layer, and see that the thing we wanted wasn't something we wanted at all, and wasn't actually good for us. But in each learning experience (even trauma), we keep uncovering more and more of ourselves but only if we open our hearts and minds to that self-analysis and reflection.
In a way, I'm lucky that I have been left alone to think this through in a safe and humble environment: this lovely little apartment with neighbours who are also women living on their own. We have a kind landlord and my rent is super cheap for this part of town. I am blessed to have all of this. And I am blessed that I've been given the time to think my troubles through and to come to a better place in my heart for myself and for the people who have troubled me. I know this isn't going to be easy for anyone who knows me and knows of what I've gone through to digest, but I've come to loving the people who have brought this isolation into my life all the more. And it's not just one individual, there are several, and they have all had a hand in creating this solitude for me, so I can be free to explore, to love unconditionally with no limits, expectations, obligations or rules on what or who to love. I can send out my unconditional love out into the universe and be part of an energy field that understands our deepest sorrows and regrets. Everyday we're alive, we get another chance to save ourselves. Another day to be the someone somewhere for ourselves.
True, some people are so far gone that they are not capable of helping themselves, and are in need of professional care for the rest of their lives. But in them, there is still that power to rescue even a little part of themselves if they are encouraged to do so, even the millions of men, women, and young people behind bars.
I don't believe that people necessarily change or change overnight. Everything in life comes in waves. A moment of inspiration can propel us to do a kind deed, but then that passes, and we might then do something unkind, maybe to ourselves or to another person. I think the more aware we are of when those changes occur, when we become better at reading those waves, our choices in those moments will be greatly affected, and we will learn to choose for the good in us. We become our "someone somewhere" and we now have the tools to hopefully rescue ourselves with love and humility.
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