Have you ever loved to do something so much and then tried and tried to do it, but you always fell short? Always failed? Always self-sabotaged? I know many of us have all been there, and through all the failures, the dream still clings to us like a warm spring breeze to remind us that there is still so much left to do before the day is done.
I've had a dream for a very long long time - since I was a child. I did a lot in the past decade to try to achieve that dream, but I never quite reached my mark. A lot has happened in my life that took me off course. I became more interested in helping others build their dreams. It all seems so noble, but I was shortchanging myself and the people I was trying to help by not focusing on what mattered most to me.
Well, this dream is still there inside me, nudging me to do it right this time because this time I've got nothing in my way. I'm starting right from scratch, and it's going to take a year and a half before I'll be prepared to pursue my dream in an educational setting. All the preparation work will hopefully pay off and land me a placement at a particular school I want to attend. I'll be 40 years old in 2012 - the year when my commitment will be tested, challenged, assessed, and then either given a thumbs up or a thumbs down. It's a risk for a person at my age to do this, but I have nothing else I want to do more. Not even writing, though writing too is part of this dream...just in a different context.
No, this dream will follow me into old age when I can still make a difference in people's lives. This dream I'm building is one that will bring healing to myself and to others. I don't know what the future holds for me - whether I'll always be single and whether I'll always live in this tiny space or not - but whatever may come, I hope that my dream will be a reality by that time. I hope that my dream will be the very thing I live and breathe each day I wake up.
I can't say more about it. I'm keeping this all under lock and key until I've made headway, until 2012 when I achieve the 2nd most important step in the process. The first step is the preparation, so it's the initial commitment, and equally important. I've chosen the people who I want to help me get to that dream, and I've also chosen the tools. Now, I have to choose myself, this body, and make it work for this dream in ways it never worked before.
If I pass the 2nd step, the 3rd one involves four years in an academic environment till I get my 2nd degree. I'll be 44. By 45, I want to achieve the dream, which is related once again to helping others, but this time, I'll be well-prepared for the work. And it's work I plan to do for as long as I live. I will do it happily with passion and humility.
I almost gave up. I was ready to spend the rest of my life in obscurity with a strangled voice, and then die that way, but nope! There's another force, another energy inside, propelling me to move, move, move and make this dream a reality. It's time to re-invent myself in order to adapt my mind, my body, my spirit to this challenging process.
It's all just beginning, and it feels exactly the same as falling in love only I know for sure that this one is a keeper.
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