...it's time to re-invent yourself. It's not easy. It can seem a terrifying thing to take the next step, but our inaction can be equally terrifying and ultimately destructive if we continue to remain in a state of complete hopelessness. If the step we take is backwards, then at least we know we're still learning. There is still movement within that is seeking some treatment, some remedy. Compassion for ourselves is key. We're going to hear people preach to us, reprimand us, judge us, silence us, and ignore us because we allowed ourselves to fall so far into the hole of toxic love syndrome that we completely forgot that we too had bodies in need of nourishment and care. What's also important is that we not judge these people who negate us in turn but to allow them to think what they must until they themselves go through their own process of consciousness renewal. In short, we must be patient with ourselves and with others in order for anything of substance and beauty to come into our lives again.
As vast and far-reaching this universe is, so are the possibilities that come to our doors daily like the newspaper cloaked in a transparent rain-soaked bag. Open up the pages and we see a world of events and experiences that reflect the frailties, tragedies, and mysteries of existence, human and otherwise. We sense the full gamut of emotions as we read through the pages. Most importantly, we sense the power of being alive.
This is also true in our interactions with the big L word - Love. All our initial reactions to the falling in love process and then the subsequent break-up are really on the surface of things. It's really when we reflect on our choices and what possibly could have been the basis of such choices that all the pages begin to give way and we behold the much-desired weekend pull-out section that opens our eyes wide to all the depths and swirls of the sweetness and pain of love. We read and read, circling the sections we like the best, and taking note of the experiences we identify with the most, the ones that either leave our faith intact or a gaping hole of despair.
It's important to note as well that not everything is an "either or". Humans have a tendency to dichotomize everything and anything thereby reducing our lives to a mere black and white, when there is a whole spectrum of intentions, motivations, inspirations, movements, etc, that sometimes we can't see when we're always given the same two ways of looking at things. Our lives follow widely-accepted formulaic analyses that purport to understand something of human will and desire. The truth is the person who we fell in love with and who then walked out on us was not evil in choosing for him/herself another option in life. What he/she essentially did was both a selfish and a selfless thing, and many other things in between and beyond. He/she walked out so we too could be given the opportunity to turn in a new direction. Change is always good if we accept it completely. It's in the resistance to change that we experience intense suffering. At this point, objectivity is out the door, and subjectivity settles in to help us reclaim our lost dignity. We must find a reason to feel nothing but contempt toward the one who abandoned us so we could feel good about the abandonment!
But how limiting it is to view these souls that come into our lives (and ourselves too) as bad/evil! This negative energy is recreated in our thought processes and are sent out into a world already bursting with negativity and vibes of doom and destruction. Can we not consciously change our way of thinking to allow room for compassion and forgiveness? True, many relationship "survivors" do learn to forgive in time, after much reflection and analysis. They learn to forgive themselves and the one who hurt them. But sometimes the intensity of the pain is too much. What that person did to us and then leaving us to deal with is unforgivable. How do we keep our heads above water when the weight of the abuse, the trauma, the rejection, the shock seems so great?
There are no easy answers, just layers. Depths and layers. Wells and caves. Secure stones and rockslides. Shallow waters and tsunamis. And then many more possibilities than our human imaginations can conceive.
Where am I going with this? Well, in order for us to take full advantage of this process of change, we must be open to change itself. We must re-invent ourselves and learn to adapt, adjust, transform. We must learn to stand on our own again or stand on our own finally if that wasn't part of our former custom. Doors will be closing in all directions, and we'll feel like it's time to give up for good. People think that the only way out is through death. Though death does serve as ONE possibility, there are many others we can explore and that are far healthier, perhaps.
The thing is, our transformation has to be a determined effort to survive this thing called life. It might mean closing some doors ourselves - to friends, family, jobs, lifestyles, and whatever else that keep holding us back. That's why it's never an easy thing to re-invent, but when an experience as intense as an intimate relationship almost destroys us, what we do to heal can be just as intense and painful. We must say goodbye to old habits, to old ways of looking at ourselves, to old ways of being. Friends and family who see us a certain way might not be comfortable with the change, and they might resist it at all fronts, but at some point they too will defer to the power of rebirth, which is a force of nature that we must all fully experience and explore and finally accept.
This is what my failed relationship did for me. I have been quite resistant to any change since he left. All the resistance has brought is more suffering as I continue to think and behave according to the old patterns and cycles. My voice dysfunction persists as I continue to view myself as a victim and not a woman capable of taking the bull by the horns and changing my life for the better without needing to incriminate him. I can allow the anger to pass through me, but I must never allow it to possess me. What he did give me, and this, throughout our time together, was the push to WAKE UP ALREADY! I have to thank him for this, and I know it'll be a long process of transformation before I actually start reaping the benefits and understanding that my life does matter if I'm willing to learn the lessons and go forth with faith, courage, and compassion. In the end, that's all there's left to do, and what a brilliant adventure it is!
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