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| PHOTO BY SI |
...Life will always hold out its hands for you. This may seem like a cliche or a bunch of cheap words to get you thinking of your life in a different way, but you have to trust me when I say I've been where you are now. Actually, I'm never outside of where you are now. It's a constant battle I have with myself and inside my head. This battle you know yourself - the one in which we tell ourselves all kinds of lies about what we think of ourselves and who we think we are and all the ways we need to rid the world of our presence. I've too felt the self-loathing and experienced the hard and unrelenting bite of guilt and shame. And then depression. I know this is something you can relate to as well.
Do you always feel like this? Always so shitty about yourself? Always thinking you will never be deserving of anything that comes close to some peace of mind, about your life? Well, if you're always feeling shitty, then I can appreciate why you would refuse to reach out and talk to someone. If you already feel you're worthless to yourself, how will your mind ever convince you that you are deserving of seeking treatment and care for that?
My answer is not a solution and will probably not end the self-loathing thoughts in your head but it may offer you some kind of catalyst to seek change. My answer is the Body. My body continues to save me. Your body may too.
My body has time and time again reminded me of the truly horrible consequences of toxic thoughts about myself. I felt the physical pain of such thinking and how it was all wearing me down and depriving me of the energy I needed so badly to keep me active, alert, and in good spirits. My body is my protector, and has helped me rebound after negative life experiences. It has never let me down - although it now sadly but courageously bears many of the scars from the self-destructive demon in me. I now recognize my body as wise and that it will always do what it can to convince me that there is still a lot more to be done in the life I currently inhabit.
Of course, those nagging thoughts will continue to come back, but each time they come, I feel I am better prepared than the last encounter. My tools are practicing mindfulness and putting on the hat of an observer where I imagine myself standing outside of myself and observing me while I am experiencing an episode of mental distress. When I observe myself from a distance, I can appreciate that this experience is fleeting - just like everything else in life - and that soon I'll stand up, dry off my tears, and resume my activities. If you try this exercise next time you feel seriously low about yourself, don't expect it to change you right away. After all, I'm just planting the seed in your head so that you may consider this strategy. I'm sure if you stepped away from yourself and just watched the other you experiencing this momentary suffering, you may feel empathy for yourself and may feel the urge to help yourself overcome this moment. You'd also see that you're human and that it would be ok to reach out for support.
I got the idea to do this from Michael A. Singer's book The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. It really made sense to me and the more I put this mindfulness and visualization of me stepping away from my hurt self, the more I learned to accept where I was at and not hate myself for being in such circumstances. This may happen to you too if you allow yourself to connect to your body so it can send you signs and signals. Listen carefully. Your body is attempting to save your life. And it will continue to make these attempts for as long as you feel your life is not worth living. That's the survival mechanism working in us as it should.
It's not just about surviving for the sake of our species as our hunter-gatherer ancestors might have thought; it's also about embracing this life we've been given and living our full potential every day, no matter where we're at. It's about igniting our heart spirit and going beyond the trauma to a time when our spirits danced with joy as we were ushered into this world.
Living your full potential in one day can be anything, anything that brings a smile to your face and gives you the sense that you contributed some good to the world. An act of kindness? Making less waste? Recycling/Reusing? Taking public transit? Talking to a stranger? Donating some change? Helping a friend in need? Foregoing meat consumption? Taking a leisurely walk? It's in the simple where we might find our full potential. We don't have to bear important titles or several letters behind our names or single-handedly fix the world's problems in order to justify our existence. It's the little things we do day by day that can help rebuild our love for life.
Circumstances may have stolen our innocence in cruel and horrifying ways but they could never vanquish the warm glowing steel-like strength at the core of our nature: that muscle called humxnity, that muscle that keeps our hearts beating and our minds evolving. Don't prematurely end your journey. You must keep searching for the good in you and the good in others.
Your negative thought and behavioural cycles may be difficult to escape from. Never fear because through all of your own trauma/past trauma, you made it this far. Don't give up because there is still so much of the world you need to open yourself to; there is still so much of your own body and soul you need to explore, learn from, and hopefully come to cherish unconditionally.
Remember, it's in the simple things where you may find small mercies. It's in the simple things where lives may be saved, yours, mine, and those belonging to the people, animals, plants, insects, and micro-organisms we interact with along this glorious, effervescent, and transformative path.
Don't give up. There is so much more to you - beautiful, brilliant you - than you may be thinking at this moment.
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