Be Many People Not Just Yourself

We are never who we think we are because with each new challenge, we question our choices and eventually come to question ourselves.  When we face doubt, it's a sign that part of us might experience some transformation of perspective, of nature, of movement.  Whatever that change, at the heart of it lies the human desire to seek something new.  When we resist, there is more tension, and we have to ask ourselves if we should fight it or relinquish whatever power/energy we have to create some semblance of peace.  In most cases, we can give up a part of ourselves and the other side too, but we can also fight for a part of ourselves and the other side too.  And so we shift, we colonize, we make an adventure, and we compromise.  Such is the nature of our wavering identities.  Essentially, we can be anyone we choose if we choose to relinquish our hold on the past.  We can be anyone.  And we can also be uniquely ourselves whatever that might mean to you and me. We can get along with other humans if we adapt ourselves to the environment in that moment. 

I'm not proposing that we give up the integrity of our spirit by succombing to someone else's idea(s) of who we are, but to try cheating our proclivities slightly to appease the one on the other side just to feel what it feels to see things from that side.  However impractical and foolish that gesture may be, I think in the end, you come a little closer to understanding the diverse entities of human nature. 

In my world, there is no 'side', there are only variations and explorations.  No one is left out of the equation.  Everyone is a friend and everyone is an enemy, and all the other mixtures in between.  It's rather nice to be everything and everyone at different junctures in my life journey with no hatred towards anyone.  Just a calm acceptance that this person is another gift of the human evolutionary cycle. 

We are all part of each other in some way.  If we are bad, then others learn from our conduct and are challenged by our conduct.  If we are good, then others are inspired by our conduct and are also challenged by it.  If we are imperfect, others learn to accept their imperfections. 

Now I've become a bit Dalai Lama-ish in this post.  But I just started writing and didn't know it would conclude in this way.  I hope you enjoyed it and hope it might cause you to think how you yourself can be many people not just yourself. 

Take care. Peace.

NATIONAL SPASMODIC DYSPHONIA SYMPOSIUM APRIL 2012 in PHOENIX: REFLECTIONS

Palm trees towering above Old Mill Road in Phoenix AZ

On April 28th, I attended for the first time the National Spasmodic Dysphonia Association's (NSDA) symposium in Phoenix, Arizona.  I arrived a day earlier on a standby ticket, which left a lot of spare change in my pocket.  Suffice it to say, I was the last person to get on board the early morning flight from Toronto Pearson International Airport.  I couldn't contain my excitement at the thought of all the knowledge I would pick up on SD at the event.  I've had adductor spasmodic dysphonia (an incurable voice disorder, symptoms of which include a strained, squeezed voice that takes a lot of effort to push out) for four years now and also developed muscle tension dysphonia as a result of my body trying to compensate for the SD.  I was thrilled at the opportunity of meeting others who were struggling with SD too and was curious to find out what treatments worked for them and how they had adapted to the symptoms of the disorder. 

The symposium was scheduled for Saturday, but there was a meet 'n greet Friday evening.  The mic was passed around in the conference room of the Holiday Inn as delegates and organizers welcomed all of us and shared some of their personal stories about SD and their participation and involvement in the NSDA.  All but three of us were American.  I and one other participant and her husband were the only ones from Canada. There were quite a number of elderly folks in the crowd.  One lady I spoke with was particularly sweet.  Her warmth and kindness was immediately felt. 

The conference got underway at 10 a.m. the next day.  Charlie Reavis, NSDA president, opened the symposium with some inspiring words and promoted the main theme of this year's gathering: "we are more than the SD".  I liked his message.  Throughout the symposium, he was responsive to all the delegates, approachable, and kind.  He also had SD, but because of the belief he had in himself, he didn't allow SD to rule his life.  This was the message he wanted all the delegates to take away with them. 

Charlie Reavis, President of the NSDA, opens the symposium

The symposium continued with an informative lecture by Dr. Gerald Berke, who is the go-to treatment expert for people with SD.  Dr. Berke is known for conducting the Selective Laryngeal Adductor Denervation-Rennervation (SLAD-R) operation, which involves some nerve slicing and nerve connecting.  The nerves involved are the tiny ones that connect to the muscles responsible for AdSD (adductor spasmodic dysphonia).  According to the NSDA, more than 80 per cent of patients responded positively to the operation over the treatment's 15 year history.  Patients have reported that they have not experienced any of the breaks characteristic of AdSD and now live with a functioning voice.  The NSDA stated in its information brochure on surgical procedures that a small minority of patients returned to BTX (Botox) treatment after unsuccessful results with SLAD-R.  Unfortunately, SLAD-R doesn't work for those with abductor SD, characterized by a breathy voice that increases during speech. 

Dr. Gerald Berke, chairman of UCLA Department of Head and Neck Surgery in Los Angeles, developed the surgical treatment for SD called SLAD-R.  He is also a member of the NSDA Scientific Advisory Board.

Important points about our genes and SD were presented by Laurie Ozelius, Ph.D, also a member of the NSDA Scientific Advisory Board.  She said, SD can be genetic, but it was rare to find gene carriers.  However, one carrier can affect others in every generation.  There was a lot of scientific language in the presentation that I had to translate in layperson's terms in my mind.  Still, it was informative and important for us to be aware of the research being done in this area. 

Laurie Ozelius, Ph.D., associate professor in genetics and genome sciences and an associate prof in neurology at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York, speaks to delegates about DNA and SD

Christy Ludlow, Ph.D., professor of communication sciences and disorders and director of the Laboratory of Neural Bases of Communication and Swallowing at James Madison University in Virginia, spoke to delegates about the variety of research studies on SD.  She addressed many of the observations we as patients have made over the course of our experience with SD.  Some of these observations included development of social anxiety and depression.  She touched on two of the observations I had made about speech feedback and accents.  Many of the research studies Ms. Ludlow mentioned in her talk can be found at this site: http://report.nih.gov/.

Christy Ludlow, Ph.D., Director of the NSDA Scientific Advisory Board, gives delegates at the symposium the latest research updates

What I've noticed is that the voice functions without breaks as soon as I can hear my voice coming back to me through a monitor as I speak with a mic.  Also, when I put on a fake British or Indian accent for instance (it could be other accents too), the breaks and strain disappear.  Although I can maintain a strain-free voice when I speak with a mic and a monitor (especially when giving heartfelt speeches!), I can't do the same with the fake accents.  It takes a lot of energy to maintain the voice and pretty soon, the cracks and strains reappear.

I have found the same to be true with singing.  Many people with SD have said that singing evens out the voice possibly due to the fact that we're using a different part of the brain.  When I use my head voice, the SD disappears, but the more I sing in that moment, the harder it is to maintain that smoothness of tone because the SD eventually creeps back into the voice.  I feel winded afterwards and completely out of breath.  This is where deep-breathing yoga might be helpful. 

A cashier at the nearby nutrition shop on my street recommended kripalu yoga, the yoga of consciousness that helps release emotional and spiritual blockages while learning different positions.  I think there is still a lot in me that requires some resolution.  Addressing these issues will not magically make my old voice reappear.  I harbour no delusions in that regard, but I do believe I can come to a place of acceptance once I make an effort to heal those old wounds and learn to trust where I'm heading. 

For people who want to be more sensitive to the needs of SD patients, it's important to point out that it is a neurological disorder and can not be cured by eating certain foods, drinking herbal teas, exercising, yoga, relaxing, breathing deeply, losing weight, etc.  I've had so many people tell me that I should just try to relax more, but they have no idea that to tell me so adds further stress and pressure to make my voice sound "better".  The symptoms will come and go as they like no matter what I do.  However, adopting measures for healthy voice production in general such as decreasing sugar and caffeine consumption and drinking more water to keep the voice hydrated are ways to maintain the body's capacity to adapt to the fluctuations in the voice.  This has worked for me.  I find the less sugar I eat in a day (I have a verrrrry sweet tooth!), the stronger my voice feels.  PLEASE NOTE: there is no change in the SD, but the overall positive energy (via good nutrition and a good attitude!) in my body allows me to speak without tiring out too fast. 

After Ms. Ludlow's lecture, we broke for lunch.  The delegates then had further opportunity to speak with one another and find out what treatments worked and didn't work.  Most of them were on the BTX treatment.  Some shared their hits and misses with Botox, for instance, when the doc administering the shot injected a bit too much leaving the patient with a breathy, whispery tone for weeks.  Dr. Berke said, laryngologists should know what dosage is right for each patient.  Some people require more, some less.  It takes time for the body to figure it out.  BTX treatment involves either unilateral or bilateral injections right underneath the thyroid cartilage in the throat.  Dr. Berke said that if patients were happy with the results of their treatment regime, they should stick to it. 

I haven't followed this route due to many reasons, one of which is that I'd have to take a few weeks off from school and work to wait it out until the breathiness after the initial shot of Botox disappears. In short, I won't have a voice for a while.  Another reason and the most important for me is that I need to allow my body to adapt to this change in voice instead of giving it the standard band-aid solution.  As I wrote before, I want to come to an acceptance and understanding of this new voice and give my body opportunities to learn the way it works and make the necessary adjustments.  Maybe later, I might take the medical route, but for now, I'm happy traveling the path of acceptance and challenge.  I'm a journalism student, a community support worker, and a volunteer choir member and I've been able to do all of that work with this voice.  Yes, I've had many challenges and faced some negativity from others, but I find people stop hearing the voice disorder once they hear the belief and the confidence in my words. 

I am in no way criticizing those who have chosen medical treatments.  We must all find what works best for our unique selves and also know when the time is right for medical intervention, and for many people it has been either the BTX treatment or surgery.  I applaud them for having the courage to follow through and choose opportunities to better their circumstances. 

The symposium concluded with husband-and-wife duo, Thomas and Caroline Hofmann, who re-energized all of us with steps to improve our attitude and outlook as SD patients.  They emphasized that all events were neutral and that the way we thought of these events as either good or bad determined our thoughts and feelings, which impacted our behaviour.  They recommended ways to change our lives to eliminate or modify voice usage such as changing our jobs and getting vocational rehabilitation, and using other strategies to assist in voice production: voice amplification devices, educating others and enlisting their help, or using email/texting more frequently to communicate.

Thomas Hofmann, Ph.D., chair of the psychology program at Hodges University in Fort Myers, Florida, and Dr. Caroline Hofmann give an Oprah-esque presentation on improving the quality of our lives with the right steps and the right attitude

Frank Prochaska, Ph.D., the chair of management-emeritus at Colorado Technical University, wrapped it all up when he said, "you can't pursue success. It ensues" as a result of what you choose to focus on along your life path.  He said to avoid hearing ourselves and instead cultivate the notion of seeing ourselves and what we have the potential to achieve.  Very nice ending to an amazing series of informative and inspiring lectures given by people who are committed to the cause. 

Frank Prochaska, Ph.D., advises delegates to "try to fall off the tightrope" in a talk about paradoxical intentions

The symposium finale included a delicious dinner where the remaining delegates and NSDA staff and guest speakers shared their reflections on the symposium and exchanged contact information to stay connected.  I met so many lovely people, all passionately working to raise awareness about SD
and offering one another great support! I feel blessed and privileged to have had the opportunity to meet the other delegates and the organizers of the symposium.  I feel empowered to continue the work to inform and educate myself and others with the knowledge gained from this positive and transformative experience. 

Thanks to the NSDA for existing and organizing a great symposium, and thanks to all the wonderful people I met who shared their personal triumphs, treasures (one of the delegates gave me one of her published works for free called "Everybody's Woman", by Pat Hill, Avid Readers Publishing Group 2012), and also some of the tragedies they have struggled with. 

For more information on the NSDA, information about SD, and upcoming events, please visit: http://www.dysphonia.org/

The sheer beauty and strength of the human spirit continue to defy all odds.  Never give up.  Keep your chin up.  And speak up in ways that help you get your message across.  There are no limits.

That's me enjoying the sights and sounds of Phoenix after the symposium

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Ready, Set...GO! 3-Day Novel Contest, Here I Come!

Only two weeks left before the International 3-day Novel Writing Contest compels contestants to write a novel in THREE DAYS! The contest begins at midnight on Saturday, September 3rd, and ends at 11:59pm on Monday, September 5th. The contest is an annual event and has been running thirty-four years strong based on an honour system which allows contestants to write from anywhere in the world with the single rule that they write within the given time frame. No Big Brother looking over our shoulders. Just the assumption that we're honest folk up for the challenge.

The entrants come from all walks of life and represent a host of nationalities. Some are amateur writers hoping to create their own Harry Potter fantasy in a hundred pages, while others are emerging and established masters of the written word aiming to write a manuscript to tweak for a year or two. Winning the contest wouldn't be so bad either.

I'm participating for the second time in a row. Last year, I got my feet wet and learned just how much stamina it took to write a novel in such a short amount of time. I only got to a sad fifty pages and the story needed quite a bit of editing and a whole lot more STORY! This year, my aim is to reach that one hundred page goal. One hundred pages is the average number of pages that can be madly written within three days. Contestants are allowed to write an outline before the literary shindig begins, so I've been doing a lot of brainstorming, but no masterpiece has come up in my empty head just yet. The key would be to write about something I already know with a simple plot and a small number of characters. Any suggestions? Other, more ambitious writers might write stories with all kinds of plot twists and an endless battery of names and places that keep the reader running through the pages to catch up with all the thrills and excitement. Three-day participants can communicate amongst other over-caffeinated brothers and sisters in the struggle in a forum specially set up on the 3DN website during the event. But be careful...mustn't spend all your time comparing notes and page numbers. There's a story to be written!

What's great about the contest is that every contestant's entry will be read by the judges. First place prize is publication. I have a copy of last year's winning book: TERRORYAKI by Jennifer K. Chung. I can understand why her book's a winner: good writing, strong characters, and a good dynamic plot that keeps us turning the pages. The ingredients of the story include a few tablespoons of the paranormal, some teaspoons of Taiwanese culture and tradition, a generous amount of food lingo and comedy, and a pinch of romance. I also have the novel written by Mark Sedore, the 2009 winner. SNOWMEN is a daring adventure tale of one man's death-defying journey on foot across the Arctic as his bed-ridden brother tries to sabotage his goal. Sedore really captures the landscape and climate of the Arctic in his descriptive prose. I found out that he had spent some time up north and in Iceland to get a sense of what it would be like to live in the frigid cold. He did his research in advance and was rewarded for it.

Hmm...so what kind of story should I write? A fantasy rom-com? A space-age thriller? A racy whodunnit? A Jane Austen-like classic? A nihilistic horror? A fictionalized memoir? Of course, I should write a story I would enjoy writing because it would totally suck if I spent all but one of the three days writing and discarding every beginning and never getting to the meat and potatoes of the process. Outline! Outline! That's the beauty of the contest. It helps you get started on something, and writers wanna be startin' somethin', right? Well, I'm up for the challenge! How about you? Registration is open til September 2nd. Check out the link below for more information.

I know I ain't no Margaret Atwood, or Toni Morrison, or J. K. Rowling, or Salman Rushdie, but I do know I'm a contestant in the 34th Annual International 3-Day Novel Contest, and that's a start. A HUNDRED PAGES IN THREE DAYS OR BUST! Here I go...again.

http://www.3daynovel.com/

Blank Page

There's a blank page in front of me.
How to transform that blank page?
I await wit and great insight.

Seconds speed by.
Minutes don't stop to ask why.
And after the hour has run its record-breaking marathon...

There's a blank page in front of me.
Through the maze of word searches
My cerebellum forsakes Zeus.

Seconds speed by.
Minutes don't stop to ask why.
And after the hour has run its record-breaking marathon...

There's a blank page in front of me.
Sad songs are the elixir
To unleash truth and glory in rhyme.

But alas! Seconds race by.
Minutes never stop to ask why.
And after the hour hurdled its share of Himalayas...

There's a blank page in front of me!
Visualizing genius!
Deepak Chopra just lost his job!

Sigh...

Seconds snooze.
Minutes pass gas.
And the hour? The hour sprinted all the way to Olympia several days ago.

To Really Listen is to Really Accept

Lake Couchiching - view from YMCA Geneva Park

I attended a brilliant workshop this past weekend on the art of listening. Listening is a skill that requires constant adjustment depending on the situation. We all have good listening days and bad listening days, and we all have a tendency to listen more to people who we're either closest to or who can do us a favour. There are those rare moments with a stranger on the bus, whose story peaks our interest.

For this particular workshop, the participants were a group of diverse individuals of friends, acquaintances, and people getting to know each other for the first time. Some participants were seated in an inner circle and others were seated in an outer circle facing the inner circle participants, so we each had a partner. The outer circle would rotate after each conversation was completed.

The workshop facilitators asked us the first question to commence the first stage of the activity. Those in the inner circle were given the chance to respond to the question while we in the outer circle were supposed to listen without saying a word. The exercise was pretty challenging, as my natural reaction to someone telling me about their experiences and/or feelings is to nod or utter phrases to show I'm listening and making an effort to understand them. In fact, my behaviour is not necessarily good listening, as it might involve the listener thinking in her head what kind of response would be appropriate, which distracts her from really paying attention to the speaker. We then switched roles and those in the outer circle became the speakers. Different questions were thrown our way as we rotated to listen/speak to another participant. The facilitators would interrupt every now and then to remind the listeners not to speak.

The second stage involved the listener being given the chance to ask two questions to the speaker in order to gain a better understanding of the speaker's experience. The rule this time was not to ask any questions beginning with 'why'. Why? Because the word 'why' has a negative connotation attached to it with the implication that the listener is sort of cross-examining the speaker rather than showing genuine concern. Point taken! We asked all the how, what, where, and who questions we could think of!

During the third stage, the listener had to reflect in their own words what the speaker had just said back to the speaker. We only had a bit of time to do this, so the reflection became more of a hurried list of what we had heard than a meaningful response. I thought what took place between my partner and I was quite interesting. As we reflected each other's stories, we put in our own analysis of what might have caused those emotions and/or experiences. I guess that could be a form of indirect advice, which we were not allowed to do in this workshop, but both of us seemed to enjoy the other person's take on our unique situations.

Another aspect of the workshop was the inclusion of touch therapy. As we listened and spoke, we had to place the palms of our hands face up and the speaker would place his/her hands on ours face up. When roles were switched, so were the positions of the hands. Although some people may have a problem with this since not everyone is comfortable with being touched, what the action did was to secure our attention to each other. The hands linked us and brought our heads closer to each other, so that we remained each other's sole focus. It was a bit tiring after the constant rotations, but was far better than having a table or some other barrier separating one from the other.

Overall, what I learned is that listening is a dynamic multi-faceted skill that involves a harmonious balance of silence, body language, and voice. Both the speaker and the listener have a responsibility to each other: the speaker has to articulate what they are feeling/thinking/experiencing and the listener has to respond without judgment, which is not always an easy path to choose, but if we remind ourselves that once we were in the same boat or that we might someday be in the same boat, we can accept the speaker's situation with more compassion.

Regardless of who is actually speaking, people are always listening to each other as they pick up cues on what the other person is thinking by way of body language. We know when a person really cares about us and when they don't. Likewise, people know when we care about them and when we don't. Hopefully, the more we are aware of the way we choose to listen or not to listen, the more attentive we will be to others, and also to our own inner voices.

I learned a lot about listening in this workshop and am thankful to the facilitators, Linah Hashimi and Siddharth Akali, who organized it for all the participants on this special weekend getaway. They presented the workshop with a youthful brand of professionalism and sensitivity. These two bright young facilitators proved they had the talent and the knowledge to connect with a multi-generational and multi-ethnic group of individuals. At the end of the workshop, they opened the floor to feedback and accepted our comments with respect and humility. They listened.

To really listen is to accept people as they are. We are all on the same healing journey to become closer to the realm of compassionate consciousness and to our own potential. When we find people who give us their time and genuine attention, we feel like we matter.

In Oprah's words:
"Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say matter to you?"

Yes, it does, because every emotion you are experiencing, I too am experiencing, have experienced, or will experience. Our situations might be different, but we're all part of the same continuum of being human.