Grooving to Something so Human in Me

PHOTO BY SI

You, in me, creep up in the dead o' night
I've taken a few sips of poison, just to be clear, just in case the mediocres want to label it,
So, you creep up, and I'm ecstatic.

You want me, you want me to throw all asunder,
You, you want me to rip apart entrails, while the beast still lives, eyes wide open, eyes wide shut
Am I aware, fully aware of what I do, what I've done?

Fear. All for instilling fear in the Other. And the Other? Who? or What?
It stands in my way.
I do what I've seen my brethren do.
I pick up. I toss. I shake.

I create fear.

Because I have power over all.
Overall I have power. Power.
It speaks to me.
Like Iblis whispering the sweet somethings. Something so meaningful. Something so terrible. Horrible. Pathological. Maniacal.

Human.

Oh, Human! What class of species are we?
We, who kill, with wrath, with twisted grins, a death grimace, so ugly.
We kill the Other. Yes. For consumption. For pleasure.
But for something deeper.

For ego. Who's the King of the World?
Oh, hail the King!
For, he/she/they/ze is the One who rules over all animals.
We, oh we get to maim and kill without conscience.
For ego.

Who's the King of the World?

Just so you know...the feminine is the masculine is the masculine is the feminine.
Hell! We are all the same.
In Lust. Lust for Violence. Lust for the Flesh of the Other.
So, they look on with eyes open as we wrench the fuck out of their lives.

But I'm human. I'm human. That's who I am.

And so...

I'm forgiven. Forgiven.

You're dead. And I'm forgiven. Forgiven.

And now, I have to floss my teeth and be free of trapped rotting meat. Meat.
Your flesh. In between.

Let's play with you like a lasso. Swing here. Swing there. By the tail.
Your fear, I don't see. I only see Human. And I'm forgiven.

Forgiven.
Eat. Eat. Eat.

Forgiven.

Oh, I'm grooving. Dancing to the sounds of speciesism.
It tastes just right, don't you know it!
I'll swallow whole your silent screams, your heartbreaking pain...distress calling.
911. 911.
Distress calling. Nonhuman. Though.

Don't bother.

The bloodied carcass...you know, the one I kicked around while IT's eyes were still open.
I was allowed. It's ok then. I was allowed. Cuz it's all residual energy.
Energy I can't handle when among my brethren.
Energy I can technologize.
In the form of machines that slice you, crush you, mince you,

Eyes, ears, mouth, tongue, organs - oh everything under the sun cuz you're tasty.
Tasty.
Tasty.
Tasty.
I let it out like letting the cat outta the bag. What?
Oh, just the shadow. Oh this shadow, grooving something human.

Before I suffocate it. In it.

You can bet it'll happen.
In that lake that's been marked. Someday soon. Cuz I can't stand what's between my teeth.

On that day, the chickens, the real ones, will come home to roost.

Only in our dreams

It is both sad and beautiful when the love we have always wanted visits us in a dream and whispers those warm, fuzzy words with a conviction that nobody in our wakeful state/existence has ever done.

Although it was just a dream, it succeeded in giving us precious momentary joy before our eyes inevitably popped open to the unrequited reality that, unlike the dream, stubbornly refused/refuses to vanish.

Despite the fact that the fantasy is no more, during the morning after, we sensed a lightness in our step as if we could still hear the soft and heartfelt timbre of our beloved midnight chimera.

When we are told "I love you."

PHOTO BY SI

*احبك التى احببتنى له

Ahabbakal-lathi Ahbabtani Lah

May God, for whose sake you love me, love you also. 

"I love you" is not easy to say but in this day and age, we say it a lot, and often impulsively, without understanding its profound meaning. 

Love, in its true essence, is infinite, unconditional, awareness. 

In my life experience, I've witnessed how it's used to trap people in co-dependent relationships, in abusive relationships, in controlling relationships, in manipulative relationships, in conditional relationships...What all of these types of relationships have in common is the threat of punishment if one or both or several members of the pair/group behave in a manner that does not comply with the "rules" that are supposed to be understood when "I love you" is said. Parents can do this to their children so they adopt family norms and values, and the roles and identities that the parents demand of them. Friends can do this to friends to gain loyalty. Lovers can do this to each other to keep them faithful. Etc. 

"I love you" can also be used to deceive someone into thinking that the relationship is authentic and that it has a future. When the words do not translate into action, our intuition might inform us the relationship is toxic and in order to save ourselves, and possibly the other person, we must remove ourselves from the situation, for a while, or forever. 

But some of us were born fools. Our lives are forever chained to self-destructive cycles. Unrequited love, heartbreak, and shame remain part of our life narrative. 

How do we detach ourselves from the need to say "I love you" out of fear of losing someone? How do we detach ourselves from the yearning to hear those words said to us overlooking the fact that they may not be coming from a genuine place of love? 

When we connect Love to the infinite - this may be God in their various forms, the universe, the spirit world... - we might find the key to our liberation from the kind of harmful attachments that get in the way of us reaching our full potential as beings capable of experiencing infinite awareness - the awareness of seeing and being everyone and everything all at the same time. 

Our full potential is just that: a deep, abiding Love for everything and everyone, without attachment to one thing or one person. This is why Muslims are encouraged to say the Arabic dua above when they are told "I love you" by another/others. The dua immediately connects the person who said "I love you" to the infinite energy that is God/the universe; it is a prayer for that person that he/she/they might experience the infinite awareness of seeing and being everyone and everything and therefore, learning and imbibing Love's true essence. 

We can nurture this Love in us when we say "I love you" from a place of understanding, compassion, and kindness, and not from fear, infatuation, or possessiveness. We can say it without the need to make the other person do what we want them to do or make them change for us. We can say it when we truly see that in our uniqueness, even in the messy, tangled circumstances of our lives, we are all reflections of one another. 

I might see myself in you and you might see yourself in me if we dig deeper and go beyond the superficial, the mediocre. The drama. 

Self-transformation is possible when we let go of the need for the one and embrace the freedom inherent in our universe/god, in its abundance, in infinite awareness, in the all. That is Love. 

Next time, think before you say "I love you" to someone. True liberation comes when there are no strings attached and no games played. 

I am grateful to the wisdom of Sufism, Indigenous spirituality, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, and all the people out there who continue to teach me the lessons I need to learn to move me towards absolution. I forgive you and I forgive me. 

*The 2nd word in the Arabic should have the letter "thal" not "tal" as it is written here. The letter "thal" wasn't on the Arabic keyboard I used.

Hue-me-lee-(tee)-ated

In this mind of mine, the floodgates open when the MP3 goes live as soon as I'm out the door.

The beat-beating-rap-pa-pop-pop-grrrr of the tunes I'd consume - soundtrack for self-involved mutter.

But I walk the walk.
Runway-perfect.
Keeping a steady pace.
Fast but not lightning speed.

'Cuz there's a beat pounding in my head that's making me feel the hot sassy she-male this being seems to be at the moment.

Swinging my hips.
Sleeves rolled up.
Hands in pockets.
Sunglasses donned.

Undeterred in the least by eventual or maybe the ongoing humiliation...

...of having succumbed a number of times to the heart-shaped branding that scars you for life.

You know what I mean.

Yeah. Can't touch this.

Second Thoughts

متى ستور غتي؟

في الثتا ء والصيف؟

اليو غدا؟

عند الندم و السلام؟

وا تؤ جل رحلتك و تمكث عندي ليل اكثر؟

When will you bid me farewell?

In winter or summer?

Today or tomorrow?

With regret or with peace?

Or will you postpone your journey and stay with me for one more night?

PHOTO BY SI