2011 does not have to be a year of broken promises and forgotten resolutions. Instead, we can make 2011 the year of living in the moment. We need not worry about what we promised ourselves yesterday and what we expect tomorrow. All we need to do is live in that single moment, breathing life, breathing presence, breathing joy. We can look around us and see life moving and appreciate the smallest most insignificant details - a snowflake making its way down from the sky where it was created, a squirrel gathering some last traces of food for the winter, a bus load of people passing you by, the chaotic buzz of the city before you, your footsteps hitting the pavement - all these observations bring us closer to loving life, loving ourselves, and loving all who are part of this world.
So take each day as it comes. No need to think/worry about the future for karma is created in every present moment. No need to regret the past for you are alive and well in the here and now. It is in the here and now that we live.
Set your goals and work on them in the moment. Enjoy the bliss you feel doing what you love and it will bring you closer to what you love...again and again until you realize you're doing what you love everyday.
Foster positive and respectful relationships with your loved ones and your colleagues. Cultivate forgiveness. If there is conflict, give yourself time to react respectfully and with compassion. Tune into your higher self and leave the ego behind when mending the connections with your loved ones. In time, they will open their hearts to you. Be patient. Have faith. And continue to love with an open heart. Let go of insecurity and doubt. Let people come to you in their own time. In the meanwhile, fashion your creativity. Seek knowledge and enlightenment. Feed your body with life-affirming food and water. Love yourself - every part of yourselves.
WISHING YOU ALL A HAPPY AND HEALTHY 2011. FIND YOUR BLISS AND EMBRACE THE HERE AND NOW for that is ALL we really have...
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
A Pleasant Shopping Experience and I didn't pay a Single Cent!
Judging from the title of my blog, you're probably wondering if I surreptitiously lifted something while store employees were busy assisting the crowds of early Christmas shoppers filling the malls. While it was certainly packed today at Dufferin Mall - my mall of choice due to its relative "smallness" compared to the blithering blinking consumption meccas that characterize Toronto's urban landscape - I had no wish to be apprehended by the scruff of my neck by police officers who do not use their travel-size supplies of hand sanitizer and then be subjected to a strip search that would make the new security regulations at airports look like a fun-filled romp through the park.
Theft was not on my mind today nor on any other day, as I haven't been an enthusiastic supporter of material wares obtained in any manner for quite some time now, whether through spending of hard-earned dollars or otherwise. Then what the hell was I doing at DM? Dear readers, I point an accusing finger at those monstrosities we use to "stay in touch", and do all manner of things with such as texting, call forwarding, e-mailing, facebooking...all the -ings including actually calling a person and hearing their voice. Ha! Now the latter's a real concept in this day and age of ego-posting on Twits and Faces. Double ha! So basically, I needed a replacement phone 'cuz the one I had decided that enough was enough. I wasn't using it enough, so it died from neglect.
Now a funny thing happened on my way to DM. I felt that strange euphoric feeling many humans do when they're about to get something new. I had been deliberating earlier on my service provider's site what kind of phone to get. I still had no clue but the thought of feeling something new in my hands made me feel a strange almost mad kind of exhilaration. I mean, it's been quite sometime since I had something new in my life other than the baby ants that creep along my bathroom tiles. So my brain was bursting with some fabulous energy, hungering for the visual stimulation just 2 short minutes away on foot.
I reached the shop and almost immediately my hands started fumbling with keypads and touch screens of the phones on display. After a few brief minutes of salivating over these hand-held variations of metal and plastic, a kindly character of a man stepped forward from behind the display counter and asked me the attention-grabbing question of the day: "Is there something in particular you're looking for, Miss?" Normally, I just shrug my shoulders, and respond with a grumpy look, and if they still didn't get it, I'd then scare the wits out of them by stating in my spastic voice that of course not, I wasn't looking for anything at all, whadya take me for?! Usually upon getting a taste of my odd vocal impairment, they back away looking apologetic for having caused me the inconvenience of actually having to verbally communicate with them..."like, that's just not cool, like...". I'd stare at them reproachfully and then go back to my own "security checking" of the phones, fingering all the buttons and smooth surfaces with lustful delight. Well, he had a look that I hate to say "I trusted"...yikes! Almost immediately after he asked me the question, I said "Yes! Yes! I do! I mean, I am!" This is when I nervously pulled out my old phone - an aged member of the Samsung class, grossly out of date by 21st century standards. He took one look at it and asked me why I had brought it into the store. Ha ha!! (I'm laughing now)
Well this cutie pie who shall remain nameless assisted me in a most gentlemanly fashion in selecting the right phone for me. Actually I saw several that were right for me, but with true salespersonship, he steered me to the one that would be best. It wasn't an Iphone for I had clearly stated that my objective was to spend as little as possible, even nothing if the right plan was there. It turns out the right plan was there, and I had to pay exactly 0 dollars for an agreement that would significantly reduce my monthly payments. Not just that, this charming young man also threw in some freebies like a phone pouch (um..I don't think I really needed that...) and some extra memory cards for storage for all those pics I take of myself. It wasn't so much that I got "more" than I expected, but that I got an opportunity to put a smile on my face. I mean it had been a busy day for me, and I won't go into just how traumatic it is to travel on the subway in Toronto - that's something that Torontonians and I can share and someday laugh about when we finally share a pint with our faceless and nameless neighbours.
All the while that this young gentleman was assisting me, he would ask me questions about my work, where I was from, etc. Of course a cynic would say that he knew how to play all his cards right, but really, I didn't get taken advantage of one bit. I got a new phone - very classy, compact, and most importantly easy to use, a new plan that reduced my phone bill by $10 (believe me in the greater scheme of my life, that's a huge saving), some extras that I'll use because they're there to be used, and the best part of all of it was that I didn't have to pay a single cent!
This charming man made my day! He told me that he'd thought about becoming a teacher, and I jumped on the chance to say "you should"! His answer was an odd "but I'm too tall". Anyway. I was so happy leaving that cell phone shop that I quite literally kept a smile plastered on my besotted half-wit countenance and trotted off into the late afternoon chill.
Stay tuned for Part II: The Bill....
Theft was not on my mind today nor on any other day, as I haven't been an enthusiastic supporter of material wares obtained in any manner for quite some time now, whether through spending of hard-earned dollars or otherwise. Then what the hell was I doing at DM? Dear readers, I point an accusing finger at those monstrosities we use to "stay in touch", and do all manner of things with such as texting, call forwarding, e-mailing, facebooking...all the -ings including actually calling a person and hearing their voice. Ha! Now the latter's a real concept in this day and age of ego-posting on Twits and Faces. Double ha! So basically, I needed a replacement phone 'cuz the one I had decided that enough was enough. I wasn't using it enough, so it died from neglect.
Now a funny thing happened on my way to DM. I felt that strange euphoric feeling many humans do when they're about to get something new. I had been deliberating earlier on my service provider's site what kind of phone to get. I still had no clue but the thought of feeling something new in my hands made me feel a strange almost mad kind of exhilaration. I mean, it's been quite sometime since I had something new in my life other than the baby ants that creep along my bathroom tiles. So my brain was bursting with some fabulous energy, hungering for the visual stimulation just 2 short minutes away on foot.
I reached the shop and almost immediately my hands started fumbling with keypads and touch screens of the phones on display. After a few brief minutes of salivating over these hand-held variations of metal and plastic, a kindly character of a man stepped forward from behind the display counter and asked me the attention-grabbing question of the day: "Is there something in particular you're looking for, Miss?" Normally, I just shrug my shoulders, and respond with a grumpy look, and if they still didn't get it, I'd then scare the wits out of them by stating in my spastic voice that of course not, I wasn't looking for anything at all, whadya take me for?! Usually upon getting a taste of my odd vocal impairment, they back away looking apologetic for having caused me the inconvenience of actually having to verbally communicate with them..."like, that's just not cool, like...". I'd stare at them reproachfully and then go back to my own "security checking" of the phones, fingering all the buttons and smooth surfaces with lustful delight. Well, he had a look that I hate to say "I trusted"...yikes! Almost immediately after he asked me the question, I said "Yes! Yes! I do! I mean, I am!" This is when I nervously pulled out my old phone - an aged member of the Samsung class, grossly out of date by 21st century standards. He took one look at it and asked me why I had brought it into the store. Ha ha!! (I'm laughing now)
Well this cutie pie who shall remain nameless assisted me in a most gentlemanly fashion in selecting the right phone for me. Actually I saw several that were right for me, but with true salespersonship, he steered me to the one that would be best. It wasn't an Iphone for I had clearly stated that my objective was to spend as little as possible, even nothing if the right plan was there. It turns out the right plan was there, and I had to pay exactly 0 dollars for an agreement that would significantly reduce my monthly payments. Not just that, this charming young man also threw in some freebies like a phone pouch (um..I don't think I really needed that...) and some extra memory cards for storage for all those pics I take of myself. It wasn't so much that I got "more" than I expected, but that I got an opportunity to put a smile on my face. I mean it had been a busy day for me, and I won't go into just how traumatic it is to travel on the subway in Toronto - that's something that Torontonians and I can share and someday laugh about when we finally share a pint with our faceless and nameless neighbours.
All the while that this young gentleman was assisting me, he would ask me questions about my work, where I was from, etc. Of course a cynic would say that he knew how to play all his cards right, but really, I didn't get taken advantage of one bit. I got a new phone - very classy, compact, and most importantly easy to use, a new plan that reduced my phone bill by $10 (believe me in the greater scheme of my life, that's a huge saving), some extras that I'll use because they're there to be used, and the best part of all of it was that I didn't have to pay a single cent!
This charming man made my day! He told me that he'd thought about becoming a teacher, and I jumped on the chance to say "you should"! His answer was an odd "but I'm too tall". Anyway. I was so happy leaving that cell phone shop that I quite literally kept a smile plastered on my besotted half-wit countenance and trotted off into the late afternoon chill.
Stay tuned for Part II: The Bill....
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Open Relationships
Open Relationships: A form of Spiritual Enlightenment?
I sit back in a comfy high-backed chair in a frigidly cold air-conditioned movie theatre, having just devoured a whole bag of buttery-fattening popcorn, wondering how on earth was my hand able to move that way from bag to mouth without any delay or distraction despite the fact that my complete focus was on the screen. Even though it felt colder than the Arctic in the dead of winter in that small theatre, I was feeling all toasty warm inside as the final moments of another Hollywood romantic-comedy was coming to an end in a flourish of pre-wedding drama followed by the perfect Cinderella-inspired wedding that included the perfect dress, the hit tear-jerker theme song, the pretty but quirky bride, the handsome and totally sweet groom, and the most loving wedding vows ever exchanged. Then I think all is right with the world because love like this exists...er...at least in fantasy. It's the perfect formula - nice guy, hot girl, some heat between them, add other characters into the mix, mountains to climb, barriers to break through, all leading up to the fairy tale wedding in the end. Hollywood repeats it again and again at least several times a year. There's always one that comes out on Valentine's Day, then a summer romance or two. We've got a few to help us through the fall, and finally a couple more at Christmas to really get those bells ringing.
I guess Hollywood's got it all figured out when it comes to love. These movies, with their feel-good moments, serve to reinforce the prevailing belief that 'true' love is happily wedded monogamous bliss. There are many other forms of love, of course, but they are not as socially acceptable as the deified THE ONE AND ONLY SOULMATE kind. There is nothing wrong in finding and spending the rest of your life with someone who is compatible, but expecting this person to fulfill all your white picket fence dreams with a house in the 'burbs, a two-car garage, Saturday baseball with the kids, trips to see Gramps, credit card debt and whatever else may be on your list of needs is a mighty tall order. I mean it's hard enough to look out for yourself let alone be responsible for someone else's happiness till death do us part.
Well, some people do manage to stay together, but most relationships have their battery of tests, near hits and misses, close encounters of the cheating kind, and any number of sub-suburban distractions that might bring destruction, chaos, and disillusion to seemingly happy marriages and partnerships. Just about half of all marriages end in divorce in North America. The number one reason that couples choose 'splitsville' is because one of the two resorted to dishonesty by having an extra-marital affair, breaking the sacred trust between them.
Maybe we need to break down a bit of the fantasy of “coupledom” and take a closer look at the reality. One person cannot fulfill another person's needs in totality, especially when the level of commitment required extends over a few generations. Long-term commitment is definitely a lifestyle change and might require some discipline especially for those with a wandering eye. Many of us have to grapple with the very real issue of sexual dissatisfaction or boredom. Ever wonder why there are millions of how-to articles and top 10 tips on keeping the intimacy alive in a marriage? It's not an easy task. Human desires and emotions are complex. Not just that, but the routine of daily life with your partner does catch up, and most times rings the death knell for intimacy the more you get used to having each other around. It’s hard for it not to turn into a very close friendship.
Close friendships aside, no amount of lingerie, edible undies, candles, roses, seductive music, and a favourite - couples therapy, will bring the intimacy back if the sexual attraction has been lost. Why not just end the union? Well, a lot of people do. That would be the customary thing to do. However, many couples are choosing the open relationship route these days, as part of the next wave of the sexual revolution. Open relationship arrangements like polyamory and swinging allow couples sexual freedom while still having the security and stability that comes with long-term commitment, so ‘open relationship’ is not the same as dating more than one person.
Open relationship is actually a modern lifestyle choice in many countries in the West, but it certainly isn’t a foreign concept in other parts of the world. Both polygyny, one man having multiple wives, and polyandry, one woman having multiple husbands are practiced in some regions of the world. The latter was practiced by nomadic Tibetans where two or more brothers shared the same wife with the idea that a child raised in a family of two or more fathers had a better chance at survival. Polyandry is particularly prevalent in regions where resources are scarce, and the likelihood of a child surviving is greatly increased when the men of the family pool their wealth together. It is unclear whether nomads still practice this today, since more and more once-Nomadic communities have become sedentary due to immigration laws, industrialization, and poverty.
Polygyny is practiced in many African and Arab-Muslim cultures. In Saudi Arabia, a man can have up to four wives. Now to most Westerners this would be seen as another example of the oppression of women. Without getting into the rubrics of Arab-Muslim cultural norms, it is important to say that men who do have four wives have to treat each one equally, providing them with the same amount of financial and emotional security, and not to mention, providing for all of their children. In Saudi Arabia, a woman’s wealth and property belong to her, so we can imagine what a difficult task it would be for any man to choose to have more than one wife. It is a choice primarily made by exceedingly rich men, and not just in Saudi society. Historically, polygyny was practiced by the ruling classes of many great empires including those of the Indian subcontinent and China. Of course, these rulers also had their share of concubines, not just wives. The ancient Hebrews also practiced polygyny, but it is clearly stated in the Torah that multiple marriages are not to diminish the status of the first wife. Levirate marriage required a man to marry and support his brother’s widow.
The swinger lifestyle is said to have originated during WWII among US Air Force pilots, whose mortality rates were particularly high. Pilots made a pact that they would care for all their wives as their own, both emotionally and sexually, if some of them were sent off on a far away mission or were lost. This soon spread from the military to the ‘burbs in the 1950s before the hippies were doped up on ‘free love’ in the 60s, and was termed “wife-swapping”. The Sexual Freedom League was the first ever swingers’ organization.
It seems that the varieties of open relationships practiced in historical times were done out of the willingness of these disparate communities, Eastern and Western, to provide for their members out of care and concern for their livelihoods. The modern swinging lifestyle, which involves typically married couples going to swinging bars or events to have intimate encounters that may or may not include sexual intercourse with other people, on the other hand, is a choice purely made to gratify our sexual needs and enhance our sexual experiences. This is not a bad thing of course. After all, we are sexual beings by nature, and monogamy is not necessarily the natural choice, but one that was etched into stone by the Christian religious powers that be, further reinforced today by Hollywood’s romantic-comedies, Valentine’s Day marketing, DeBeers diamonds-are-forever ads, and how we, particularly women, are told that marriage to your soul mate is the end all and be all of life, along with all the other ‘comforts’ happily wedded bliss entails. We’re a very possessive culture, and it doesn’t take long for our kids to get the whole “what’s-mine-is-mine-and-what’s-yours-is-yours” ethos. We’ve been conditioned to own, both people and things.
The swinging lifestyle and polyamory each ask a very important question about the nature of primarily heterosexual relationships and challenges our possessive inclinations. The swingers ask if love means sexual exclusivity and the polyamorists ask if it is possible to find true love in more than one partner. One study conducted found that swingers are actually much happier than those who choose monogamous relationships. Many people who were in unhappy relationships said swinging improved them, and gave them new insight into their marriage or partnership. Couples who welcome the swinging lifestyle understand it as being a way to reconnect and revive their commitment to each other. This perhaps could be an emotionally healthier alternative than the lying and deceptiveness that comes with extra-marital affairs.
Polyamory can be a bit more challenging since it breaks every accepted perception we have of love. Love is not exclusive. One person can not fulfill all of our needs. Our feelings of love are not static. According to polyamorists, love is dynamic, fluid, an exchange that can happen at any moment in our lives with any person, not just one. Denying ourselves the possibility of giving and receiving love from others, albeit from like-minded people who are also open-relationship seekers, is denying our true essence.
Of course, there are a lot of ground rules couples set before making the move to welcome other lovers into their lives other than the obvious – practice safe sex at all times. Swinging couples agree that neither can see any of their sexual partners outside the swinging bar or event, that the connection is purely for sexual enjoyment, and that there can be no ‘love’ in the equation. Some polyamorists want their primary relationship to remain intact, and therefore, establish rules concerning overnight stays, scheduling, who they can pursue an open relationship with, meeting the other lovers, sharing details about their relationships, and a host of others.
It is recommended that couples who are considering an open relationship do it in order to strengthen the already tight and stable union between them, and not use it as a band-aid solution to their long-suffering relationship woes. Not just that, but the individuals concerned should be pretty secure in themselves, without any insecurities. If the relationship was already unstable from the get-go, inviting other people to be a part of it might actually do further damage. Jealousy is a big issue. The thought of your partner offering their love and attention to someone else isn’t exactly a comforting thought, not if you’ve got a personality like Bridget Jones. You know, the kind that falls madly in love with that one man of their dreams and dedicates their whole lives to building the perfect monogamous relationship.
But maybe that’s the problem, maybe that’s why there are so many unhappy people in our society.
We put so many expectations on this one person to be our knight or queen or both or nonbinary rulers, and when they don’t come through for us, anger and bitterness ensue. People can and do overcome the rejection and abandonment, but how? By looking for yet again the same kind of relationship in another. When we lose someone we love through a break-up, the trauma can sometimes be overwhelming, and some people never get over it.
Open relationships allow couples who do have something wonderful together – companionship, love, stability – things that are too wonderful to let go, give each other the freedom to share a part of that with others, not through dishonesty or games, but through respect, trust, and understanding of one another’s needs. It’s not for everyone or perhaps it could be for everyone if we worked through our insecurities, fears, neediness, and our limiting fantasies about what love and romance should look like.
To be given the freedom to love others as we love each other could be a way of getting closer to the god in all of us, but it all depends on how much we want to change. Reaching for that higher power - the power of letting go, the power of non-attachment, the power of accepting the dynamic nature of sexuality and romance, and the power that comes with experiencing a kind of love that could be quite liberating might be beyond our natural instincts or the societal constructs that restrict our freedom to be, to choose, to explore. We might get sick of all the options though. What happens next then? Do we then reach for monogamy?
The point is, nothing lasts forever, and the big L word has given us plenty of examples of just how fleeting it is. So, whether you're in a monogamous or a polyamorous, or some other kind of relationship, enjoy those moments or that one and only moment with your beloved. Enjoy it as if you're experiencing all that tender loving care for the first time ever...and maybe for the last time, too.
I sit back in a comfy high-backed chair in a frigidly cold air-conditioned movie theatre, having just devoured a whole bag of buttery-fattening popcorn, wondering how on earth was my hand able to move that way from bag to mouth without any delay or distraction despite the fact that my complete focus was on the screen. Even though it felt colder than the Arctic in the dead of winter in that small theatre, I was feeling all toasty warm inside as the final moments of another Hollywood romantic-comedy was coming to an end in a flourish of pre-wedding drama followed by the perfect Cinderella-inspired wedding that included the perfect dress, the hit tear-jerker theme song, the pretty but quirky bride, the handsome and totally sweet groom, and the most loving wedding vows ever exchanged. Then I think all is right with the world because love like this exists...er...at least in fantasy. It's the perfect formula - nice guy, hot girl, some heat between them, add other characters into the mix, mountains to climb, barriers to break through, all leading up to the fairy tale wedding in the end. Hollywood repeats it again and again at least several times a year. There's always one that comes out on Valentine's Day, then a summer romance or two. We've got a few to help us through the fall, and finally a couple more at Christmas to really get those bells ringing.
I guess Hollywood's got it all figured out when it comes to love. These movies, with their feel-good moments, serve to reinforce the prevailing belief that 'true' love is happily wedded monogamous bliss. There are many other forms of love, of course, but they are not as socially acceptable as the deified THE ONE AND ONLY SOULMATE kind. There is nothing wrong in finding and spending the rest of your life with someone who is compatible, but expecting this person to fulfill all your white picket fence dreams with a house in the 'burbs, a two-car garage, Saturday baseball with the kids, trips to see Gramps, credit card debt and whatever else may be on your list of needs is a mighty tall order. I mean it's hard enough to look out for yourself let alone be responsible for someone else's happiness till death do us part.
Well, some people do manage to stay together, but most relationships have their battery of tests, near hits and misses, close encounters of the cheating kind, and any number of sub-suburban distractions that might bring destruction, chaos, and disillusion to seemingly happy marriages and partnerships. Just about half of all marriages end in divorce in North America. The number one reason that couples choose 'splitsville' is because one of the two resorted to dishonesty by having an extra-marital affair, breaking the sacred trust between them.
Maybe we need to break down a bit of the fantasy of “coupledom” and take a closer look at the reality. One person cannot fulfill another person's needs in totality, especially when the level of commitment required extends over a few generations. Long-term commitment is definitely a lifestyle change and might require some discipline especially for those with a wandering eye. Many of us have to grapple with the very real issue of sexual dissatisfaction or boredom. Ever wonder why there are millions of how-to articles and top 10 tips on keeping the intimacy alive in a marriage? It's not an easy task. Human desires and emotions are complex. Not just that, but the routine of daily life with your partner does catch up, and most times rings the death knell for intimacy the more you get used to having each other around. It’s hard for it not to turn into a very close friendship.
Close friendships aside, no amount of lingerie, edible undies, candles, roses, seductive music, and a favourite - couples therapy, will bring the intimacy back if the sexual attraction has been lost. Why not just end the union? Well, a lot of people do. That would be the customary thing to do. However, many couples are choosing the open relationship route these days, as part of the next wave of the sexual revolution. Open relationship arrangements like polyamory and swinging allow couples sexual freedom while still having the security and stability that comes with long-term commitment, so ‘open relationship’ is not the same as dating more than one person.
Open relationship is actually a modern lifestyle choice in many countries in the West, but it certainly isn’t a foreign concept in other parts of the world. Both polygyny, one man having multiple wives, and polyandry, one woman having multiple husbands are practiced in some regions of the world. The latter was practiced by nomadic Tibetans where two or more brothers shared the same wife with the idea that a child raised in a family of two or more fathers had a better chance at survival. Polyandry is particularly prevalent in regions where resources are scarce, and the likelihood of a child surviving is greatly increased when the men of the family pool their wealth together. It is unclear whether nomads still practice this today, since more and more once-Nomadic communities have become sedentary due to immigration laws, industrialization, and poverty.
Polygyny is practiced in many African and Arab-Muslim cultures. In Saudi Arabia, a man can have up to four wives. Now to most Westerners this would be seen as another example of the oppression of women. Without getting into the rubrics of Arab-Muslim cultural norms, it is important to say that men who do have four wives have to treat each one equally, providing them with the same amount of financial and emotional security, and not to mention, providing for all of their children. In Saudi Arabia, a woman’s wealth and property belong to her, so we can imagine what a difficult task it would be for any man to choose to have more than one wife. It is a choice primarily made by exceedingly rich men, and not just in Saudi society. Historically, polygyny was practiced by the ruling classes of many great empires including those of the Indian subcontinent and China. Of course, these rulers also had their share of concubines, not just wives. The ancient Hebrews also practiced polygyny, but it is clearly stated in the Torah that multiple marriages are not to diminish the status of the first wife. Levirate marriage required a man to marry and support his brother’s widow.
The swinger lifestyle is said to have originated during WWII among US Air Force pilots, whose mortality rates were particularly high. Pilots made a pact that they would care for all their wives as their own, both emotionally and sexually, if some of them were sent off on a far away mission or were lost. This soon spread from the military to the ‘burbs in the 1950s before the hippies were doped up on ‘free love’ in the 60s, and was termed “wife-swapping”. The Sexual Freedom League was the first ever swingers’ organization.
It seems that the varieties of open relationships practiced in historical times were done out of the willingness of these disparate communities, Eastern and Western, to provide for their members out of care and concern for their livelihoods. The modern swinging lifestyle, which involves typically married couples going to swinging bars or events to have intimate encounters that may or may not include sexual intercourse with other people, on the other hand, is a choice purely made to gratify our sexual needs and enhance our sexual experiences. This is not a bad thing of course. After all, we are sexual beings by nature, and monogamy is not necessarily the natural choice, but one that was etched into stone by the Christian religious powers that be, further reinforced today by Hollywood’s romantic-comedies, Valentine’s Day marketing, DeBeers diamonds-are-forever ads, and how we, particularly women, are told that marriage to your soul mate is the end all and be all of life, along with all the other ‘comforts’ happily wedded bliss entails. We’re a very possessive culture, and it doesn’t take long for our kids to get the whole “what’s-mine-is-mine-and-what’s-yours-is-yours” ethos. We’ve been conditioned to own, both people and things.
The swinging lifestyle and polyamory each ask a very important question about the nature of primarily heterosexual relationships and challenges our possessive inclinations. The swingers ask if love means sexual exclusivity and the polyamorists ask if it is possible to find true love in more than one partner. One study conducted found that swingers are actually much happier than those who choose monogamous relationships. Many people who were in unhappy relationships said swinging improved them, and gave them new insight into their marriage or partnership. Couples who welcome the swinging lifestyle understand it as being a way to reconnect and revive their commitment to each other. This perhaps could be an emotionally healthier alternative than the lying and deceptiveness that comes with extra-marital affairs.
Polyamory can be a bit more challenging since it breaks every accepted perception we have of love. Love is not exclusive. One person can not fulfill all of our needs. Our feelings of love are not static. According to polyamorists, love is dynamic, fluid, an exchange that can happen at any moment in our lives with any person, not just one. Denying ourselves the possibility of giving and receiving love from others, albeit from like-minded people who are also open-relationship seekers, is denying our true essence.
Of course, there are a lot of ground rules couples set before making the move to welcome other lovers into their lives other than the obvious – practice safe sex at all times. Swinging couples agree that neither can see any of their sexual partners outside the swinging bar or event, that the connection is purely for sexual enjoyment, and that there can be no ‘love’ in the equation. Some polyamorists want their primary relationship to remain intact, and therefore, establish rules concerning overnight stays, scheduling, who they can pursue an open relationship with, meeting the other lovers, sharing details about their relationships, and a host of others.
It is recommended that couples who are considering an open relationship do it in order to strengthen the already tight and stable union between them, and not use it as a band-aid solution to their long-suffering relationship woes. Not just that, but the individuals concerned should be pretty secure in themselves, without any insecurities. If the relationship was already unstable from the get-go, inviting other people to be a part of it might actually do further damage. Jealousy is a big issue. The thought of your partner offering their love and attention to someone else isn’t exactly a comforting thought, not if you’ve got a personality like Bridget Jones. You know, the kind that falls madly in love with that one man of their dreams and dedicates their whole lives to building the perfect monogamous relationship.
But maybe that’s the problem, maybe that’s why there are so many unhappy people in our society.
We put so many expectations on this one person to be our knight or queen or both or nonbinary rulers, and when they don’t come through for us, anger and bitterness ensue. People can and do overcome the rejection and abandonment, but how? By looking for yet again the same kind of relationship in another. When we lose someone we love through a break-up, the trauma can sometimes be overwhelming, and some people never get over it.
Open relationships allow couples who do have something wonderful together – companionship, love, stability – things that are too wonderful to let go, give each other the freedom to share a part of that with others, not through dishonesty or games, but through respect, trust, and understanding of one another’s needs. It’s not for everyone or perhaps it could be for everyone if we worked through our insecurities, fears, neediness, and our limiting fantasies about what love and romance should look like.
To be given the freedom to love others as we love each other could be a way of getting closer to the god in all of us, but it all depends on how much we want to change. Reaching for that higher power - the power of letting go, the power of non-attachment, the power of accepting the dynamic nature of sexuality and romance, and the power that comes with experiencing a kind of love that could be quite liberating might be beyond our natural instincts or the societal constructs that restrict our freedom to be, to choose, to explore. We might get sick of all the options though. What happens next then? Do we then reach for monogamy?
The point is, nothing lasts forever, and the big L word has given us plenty of examples of just how fleeting it is. So, whether you're in a monogamous or a polyamorous, or some other kind of relationship, enjoy those moments or that one and only moment with your beloved. Enjoy it as if you're experiencing all that tender loving care for the first time ever...and maybe for the last time, too.
The French Diet
Be French and Feel Fabulous!
Written by Shazia Islam
Summer is finally here in the big T.O., and there’s no shortage of things to see and do. From flamboyant festivals to flashy fireworks, from beach volleyball to beach babe watch, from mouth-watering barbecues to thirst-quenching beer gardens, from amusing stage shows to foot-stomping music shows, really, the choices are endless. But with all the entertainment and recreation, come the scents of summer as well, wafting through your open door, from hot dog vendors, ice-cream trucks, barbecue grills, and popcorn stands. It’s yet another season when staying fit poses a challenge. It shouldn’t be that hard since outdoor recreation usually experiences a peak during the summer months, with gleeful participants soaking up the warm rays of the sun. Not just that, but people tend to eat lighter meals when the temperature’s hot, substituting a dish of curry rice for a Mediterranean salad. No one wants hot curry sitting in their tummy while they walk in the sweltering heat of the city, though hot curry’s hard to resist, especially when the meal comes with naan and masala chai. Basically, when we’ve got just as much food choices as we have things to do in this city - T.O. is not just your ordinary urban sprawl - it’s not easy to pass up a gastronomic side of home-cooked fries for the sake of staying trim.
What’s so great about staying trim? Well, we all know that the summer gives us the chance to expose ourselves to the world. After an unbearably long winter spent buried underneath layers of itchy fabric, our skin is screaming for some air. Whether it’s a bare chest or midriff, a six-pack or a washboard tummy, a nicely toned physique or sculpted musculature, you know the saying, if you’ve got it, flaunt it! Sure that might come easy for the genetically-gifted, but for most of us, it’s a long hard struggle to keep the weight off in order to have that moment when the admiring gaze of passers-by heats us up more than the sun. Is there an easier way to feel good about our bodies without having to exercise 24-7, engage in ass warfare at the gym, and deny ourselves the foods we love? What if there actually was a way to do just that?
Do you want to know how the French do it?
French cuisine. One of the best the world has to offer. Typical French dishes include Steak Frites, a nice combination of meat n’ potatoes, Coq au Vin, rooster cooked in wine, lardons (strips of fatty bacon), mushrooms, and garlic. The most popular and the most controversial French dish is Foie Gras, duck or goose liver that has been fattened by a process called ‘gavage’ in which the bird is force fed a few weeks before slaughter. The taste is described as rich and buttery. For strict vegetarians, try Potatoes Anna, a dish of sliced and layered potatoes cooked with a devilishly large amount of butter. Speaking of butter, who can resist Crème Brûlée, burnt cream, a rich custard with a layer of hard caramel. Éclairs, these long, thin pastries filled with cream and topped with icing are more fresh and flavourful than the ones you get at a fast food joint or in a box at a mega supermarket. Also, Milles-feuilles, which literally means a thousand sheets, is a dessert of orgasmic proportions constructed of several layers of puff pastry with a sweet filling of cream or jam in between each layer. It’s topped off with the characteristic wavy pattern of the white/chocolate icing. Crêpes are world-famous and have taken on various different forms to suit the culture. They are made of wheat flour, eggs, milk, salt, and butter, bien sûr! And what would a good French meal be without fresh wholesome bread, fresh out of the oven at the local boulangerie? French bakers usually bake their bread at least three times a day and sell the bread unwrapped to keep the crust nice and crispy. Baguettes, croissants, hazelnut bread, olive bread, and rolls, you name it, the French love their bread, and serving a meal without a basket of fresh bread and creamy butter might be considered a faux pas, as it is an inherent trait of French culture.
As for wine, yeah, the French love it. Sorry, that’s a bit of an understatement there, but what more can be said? Heck, even kids get to take part in this tradition at an early age, learning to develop their taste buds for good wine with a sip here and a sip there. Not exactly like a typical North American kid clamoring for a processed vanilla cone from the ice-cream truck dude! But if you’re not an avid wine drinker and would much rather reach for a sugary cooler or belly ‘enhancing’ beer, here’s something to motivate you to try some of the red stuff. Wine is full of nutrients and antioxidants. It’s known to lower blood pressure and keep your cholesterol levels at bay. Drinkers of fine wine tend to have a lower incidence of heart disease. Now this is if you drink in moderation, a glass or two everyday, rather than binge drink on the weekends the way we North Americans binge eat.
So, if you noticed, the French sure eat an awful lot of buttery dishes, and they drink wine like fish, and eat bread like there’s no tomorrow! BUT, they sure look damn good in a nicely tailored suit or a little black dress. They’ve got style, sex appeal, and elegance down to an art. In fact, everything is an art for the French. Every movement, every bite, every sip has intention. Perhaps this is what makes French women so irresistible, as Mireille Guiliano points out in her book “French Women Don’t Get Fat”. It tells the tale of Mireille’s experience as an exchange student in America, and how she gained a hefty 20 lbs and returned to France overweight. In order to get back to her former trim self, Mireille had to re-acquaint herself with the ways of French womanhood, which is all about elégance suprême. She managed to get back into shape, and then wrote a book about it, advocating all things French, even listing at the end of the book what French women do and don’t do, as a way of setting them apart from their American counterparts. Hmmm…a bit of arrogance there, non? But perhaps the French have something to be arrogant about. They have culture, tradition, good taste, good etiquette, a way of life that celebrates the natural senses, a way of life that slows everything down so the things we in our fast-paced North American lifestyle take for granted are actually savoured and appreciated. Mireille’s book contains scores of delicious French recipes that are fairly easy to prepare and that keep your taste buds stimulated.
That’s the key to looking and feeling good, you see. The French don’t care about losing weight or even worry about staying trim. Long-term healthy living is built into their system. Yes, they eat the carbs, the meat, the butter, the rich desserts, and drink the drink, but they consume with pleasure, not with fear and doubt. Les Francaises mangeons tout, mais mangeons lentement et avec petite partie de nourriture – the French eat everything, but eat slowly and with small portions. North Americans tend to gorge, and we like to horde our supermarket purchases too. The French, on the other hand, like to keep it simple, and pay a visit to the local market every two or three days to get everything fresh to be used for the next day or two. They eat in small quantities, and if you’re a French woman, you never have a second helping. Less is more. Yes, less is more because our taste buds really feel the infusion of flavour, as each bite is relished, forks put down in between the chewing to engage in artful conversation about philosophy and the state of the world. Afterwards, we walk, and we walk a lot, on the sidewalks, up the stairs, to the markets, and we walk with a lightness in our step because our stomachs are not filled to overflowing, but filled with just enough to get us through the next few hours until it’s time for the next engaging repas – meal.
What’s wrong with the way North Americans view food? Lots. Forget about the love-hate relationship, it’s more about guilt, our past childhoods, non-stop treadmill fitness, constant exposure to beauty myth babble, so-called ‘experts’ telling us to eat this and avoid that. Forget about our food addictions, it’s more like psycho weight obsession. Glenn Close cooked the poor pet rabbit in “Fatal Attraction”, but what really should have been cooked was the billion-dollar weight loss industry which profits from our I-hate-being-fat issues. Yes, we eat a heck a lot of junk, and the food industry really needs to clean up its act and stop throwing in all the artificial flavourings that make our senses lazy and give us quick fixes instead of a truly incredible gastronomic-friendly experience. Then again, we as consumers need to make the right choices about the stuff we put into our bodies. Anything that’s been packaged has been processed. Anything’s that’s been picked up on the go is suspect because no matter what the peeps at Tim Horton’s and McDonald’s say, you can’t be “lovin’” something you scarfed down in the five minutes before the nine-to-fiver begins. Forget about the taste, how about even chewing the garbage you just swallowed whole? We get to work feeling no less tired. After work, we go to the gym to do the daily exercise routine to exorcise all the guilty fat from our conscience. We realize afterwards that it all tasted like plastic as we sit down to mindlessly munch on our micro-waved TV dinner in time for the next episode of “So You Think You Can Dance” to remind ourselves of just how mediocre our lives are.
America, the paragon of egalitarian values, somehow suffers from a gastronomic class system unknown in France. The right and the opportunity to enjoy the earth’s seasonal best seems to be monopolized by an elite…the great majority of Americans are conditioned to demand and accept bland, processed, chemically treated, generally unnatural foods, which through packaging and marketing have been made to seem wholesome (Guiliano, 76)
Where’s the real food?
The above, of course, is a gross generalization of Canadian and American food culture. I’m sure many of us have engaged in purifying our systems of all the filth and excess wrought by a culture of convenience. Still, that cleansing is often based on fear, avoidance, expectations, fitting into a size 00, looking thin and sexy – the two appear to be synonymous according to our standards – and being ‘health-conscious’. Well, how do we feel “healthy” when we are so paranoid about the damage that one gram of fat might do to our bodies? Yes, bad fat damages in the long run, but good fat is good fat, and in the long run, we really shouldn’t be thinking about fat anyway, more like, how do we stop war and create more peace or how do we make sure everyone gets a share of the pie.
If it’s about feeling sexy, and getting ‘the look’, it won’t happen through denial. It’ll happen through blanket acceptance of who you are, first and foremost, and the fact that the layers of whatever you have, whether it be fat or past trauma, chemicals or stress, guilt or shame, can all be wiped out in a single stroke of self-love. Yes, love yourself as the French love themselves and their food and culture. Sex appeal is not in actual physical beauty, but in the way you carry yourself. And we carry ourselves well when we feel good about what we’ve put into our bodies, when our bodies have received the proper nourishment. We can taste plenty, but should eat less because there’s always more the next day. We just have to remind ourselves that people on the streets or living in the third world aren’t so lucky. They’re fed undercooked, watery rice or a bowl of soup whenever charity is fashionable and can be sold at a price. But choices abound for the privileged among us and so, we ought to count our blessings. The French count their blessings in every mouthful they take, every sip they make. There is the underlying belief that there is no moment like the present. And even if the future looks dim, at least they savoured the moment like they savoured that one perfect bite.
Copyright © 2008 Shazia Islam. All Rights Reserved.
Written by Shazia Islam
Summer is finally here in the big T.O., and there’s no shortage of things to see and do. From flamboyant festivals to flashy fireworks, from beach volleyball to beach babe watch, from mouth-watering barbecues to thirst-quenching beer gardens, from amusing stage shows to foot-stomping music shows, really, the choices are endless. But with all the entertainment and recreation, come the scents of summer as well, wafting through your open door, from hot dog vendors, ice-cream trucks, barbecue grills, and popcorn stands. It’s yet another season when staying fit poses a challenge. It shouldn’t be that hard since outdoor recreation usually experiences a peak during the summer months, with gleeful participants soaking up the warm rays of the sun. Not just that, but people tend to eat lighter meals when the temperature’s hot, substituting a dish of curry rice for a Mediterranean salad. No one wants hot curry sitting in their tummy while they walk in the sweltering heat of the city, though hot curry’s hard to resist, especially when the meal comes with naan and masala chai. Basically, when we’ve got just as much food choices as we have things to do in this city - T.O. is not just your ordinary urban sprawl - it’s not easy to pass up a gastronomic side of home-cooked fries for the sake of staying trim.
What’s so great about staying trim? Well, we all know that the summer gives us the chance to expose ourselves to the world. After an unbearably long winter spent buried underneath layers of itchy fabric, our skin is screaming for some air. Whether it’s a bare chest or midriff, a six-pack or a washboard tummy, a nicely toned physique or sculpted musculature, you know the saying, if you’ve got it, flaunt it! Sure that might come easy for the genetically-gifted, but for most of us, it’s a long hard struggle to keep the weight off in order to have that moment when the admiring gaze of passers-by heats us up more than the sun. Is there an easier way to feel good about our bodies without having to exercise 24-7, engage in ass warfare at the gym, and deny ourselves the foods we love? What if there actually was a way to do just that?
Do you want to know how the French do it?
French cuisine. One of the best the world has to offer. Typical French dishes include Steak Frites, a nice combination of meat n’ potatoes, Coq au Vin, rooster cooked in wine, lardons (strips of fatty bacon), mushrooms, and garlic. The most popular and the most controversial French dish is Foie Gras, duck or goose liver that has been fattened by a process called ‘gavage’ in which the bird is force fed a few weeks before slaughter. The taste is described as rich and buttery. For strict vegetarians, try Potatoes Anna, a dish of sliced and layered potatoes cooked with a devilishly large amount of butter. Speaking of butter, who can resist Crème Brûlée, burnt cream, a rich custard with a layer of hard caramel. Éclairs, these long, thin pastries filled with cream and topped with icing are more fresh and flavourful than the ones you get at a fast food joint or in a box at a mega supermarket. Also, Milles-feuilles, which literally means a thousand sheets, is a dessert of orgasmic proportions constructed of several layers of puff pastry with a sweet filling of cream or jam in between each layer. It’s topped off with the characteristic wavy pattern of the white/chocolate icing. Crêpes are world-famous and have taken on various different forms to suit the culture. They are made of wheat flour, eggs, milk, salt, and butter, bien sûr! And what would a good French meal be without fresh wholesome bread, fresh out of the oven at the local boulangerie? French bakers usually bake their bread at least three times a day and sell the bread unwrapped to keep the crust nice and crispy. Baguettes, croissants, hazelnut bread, olive bread, and rolls, you name it, the French love their bread, and serving a meal without a basket of fresh bread and creamy butter might be considered a faux pas, as it is an inherent trait of French culture.
As for wine, yeah, the French love it. Sorry, that’s a bit of an understatement there, but what more can be said? Heck, even kids get to take part in this tradition at an early age, learning to develop their taste buds for good wine with a sip here and a sip there. Not exactly like a typical North American kid clamoring for a processed vanilla cone from the ice-cream truck dude! But if you’re not an avid wine drinker and would much rather reach for a sugary cooler or belly ‘enhancing’ beer, here’s something to motivate you to try some of the red stuff. Wine is full of nutrients and antioxidants. It’s known to lower blood pressure and keep your cholesterol levels at bay. Drinkers of fine wine tend to have a lower incidence of heart disease. Now this is if you drink in moderation, a glass or two everyday, rather than binge drink on the weekends the way we North Americans binge eat.
So, if you noticed, the French sure eat an awful lot of buttery dishes, and they drink wine like fish, and eat bread like there’s no tomorrow! BUT, they sure look damn good in a nicely tailored suit or a little black dress. They’ve got style, sex appeal, and elegance down to an art. In fact, everything is an art for the French. Every movement, every bite, every sip has intention. Perhaps this is what makes French women so irresistible, as Mireille Guiliano points out in her book “French Women Don’t Get Fat”. It tells the tale of Mireille’s experience as an exchange student in America, and how she gained a hefty 20 lbs and returned to France overweight. In order to get back to her former trim self, Mireille had to re-acquaint herself with the ways of French womanhood, which is all about elégance suprême. She managed to get back into shape, and then wrote a book about it, advocating all things French, even listing at the end of the book what French women do and don’t do, as a way of setting them apart from their American counterparts. Hmmm…a bit of arrogance there, non? But perhaps the French have something to be arrogant about. They have culture, tradition, good taste, good etiquette, a way of life that celebrates the natural senses, a way of life that slows everything down so the things we in our fast-paced North American lifestyle take for granted are actually savoured and appreciated. Mireille’s book contains scores of delicious French recipes that are fairly easy to prepare and that keep your taste buds stimulated.
That’s the key to looking and feeling good, you see. The French don’t care about losing weight or even worry about staying trim. Long-term healthy living is built into their system. Yes, they eat the carbs, the meat, the butter, the rich desserts, and drink the drink, but they consume with pleasure, not with fear and doubt. Les Francaises mangeons tout, mais mangeons lentement et avec petite partie de nourriture – the French eat everything, but eat slowly and with small portions. North Americans tend to gorge, and we like to horde our supermarket purchases too. The French, on the other hand, like to keep it simple, and pay a visit to the local market every two or three days to get everything fresh to be used for the next day or two. They eat in small quantities, and if you’re a French woman, you never have a second helping. Less is more. Yes, less is more because our taste buds really feel the infusion of flavour, as each bite is relished, forks put down in between the chewing to engage in artful conversation about philosophy and the state of the world. Afterwards, we walk, and we walk a lot, on the sidewalks, up the stairs, to the markets, and we walk with a lightness in our step because our stomachs are not filled to overflowing, but filled with just enough to get us through the next few hours until it’s time for the next engaging repas – meal.
What’s wrong with the way North Americans view food? Lots. Forget about the love-hate relationship, it’s more about guilt, our past childhoods, non-stop treadmill fitness, constant exposure to beauty myth babble, so-called ‘experts’ telling us to eat this and avoid that. Forget about our food addictions, it’s more like psycho weight obsession. Glenn Close cooked the poor pet rabbit in “Fatal Attraction”, but what really should have been cooked was the billion-dollar weight loss industry which profits from our I-hate-being-fat issues. Yes, we eat a heck a lot of junk, and the food industry really needs to clean up its act and stop throwing in all the artificial flavourings that make our senses lazy and give us quick fixes instead of a truly incredible gastronomic-friendly experience. Then again, we as consumers need to make the right choices about the stuff we put into our bodies. Anything that’s been packaged has been processed. Anything’s that’s been picked up on the go is suspect because no matter what the peeps at Tim Horton’s and McDonald’s say, you can’t be “lovin’” something you scarfed down in the five minutes before the nine-to-fiver begins. Forget about the taste, how about even chewing the garbage you just swallowed whole? We get to work feeling no less tired. After work, we go to the gym to do the daily exercise routine to exorcise all the guilty fat from our conscience. We realize afterwards that it all tasted like plastic as we sit down to mindlessly munch on our micro-waved TV dinner in time for the next episode of “So You Think You Can Dance” to remind ourselves of just how mediocre our lives are.
America, the paragon of egalitarian values, somehow suffers from a gastronomic class system unknown in France. The right and the opportunity to enjoy the earth’s seasonal best seems to be monopolized by an elite…the great majority of Americans are conditioned to demand and accept bland, processed, chemically treated, generally unnatural foods, which through packaging and marketing have been made to seem wholesome (Guiliano, 76)
Where’s the real food?
The above, of course, is a gross generalization of Canadian and American food culture. I’m sure many of us have engaged in purifying our systems of all the filth and excess wrought by a culture of convenience. Still, that cleansing is often based on fear, avoidance, expectations, fitting into a size 00, looking thin and sexy – the two appear to be synonymous according to our standards – and being ‘health-conscious’. Well, how do we feel “healthy” when we are so paranoid about the damage that one gram of fat might do to our bodies? Yes, bad fat damages in the long run, but good fat is good fat, and in the long run, we really shouldn’t be thinking about fat anyway, more like, how do we stop war and create more peace or how do we make sure everyone gets a share of the pie.
If it’s about feeling sexy, and getting ‘the look’, it won’t happen through denial. It’ll happen through blanket acceptance of who you are, first and foremost, and the fact that the layers of whatever you have, whether it be fat or past trauma, chemicals or stress, guilt or shame, can all be wiped out in a single stroke of self-love. Yes, love yourself as the French love themselves and their food and culture. Sex appeal is not in actual physical beauty, but in the way you carry yourself. And we carry ourselves well when we feel good about what we’ve put into our bodies, when our bodies have received the proper nourishment. We can taste plenty, but should eat less because there’s always more the next day. We just have to remind ourselves that people on the streets or living in the third world aren’t so lucky. They’re fed undercooked, watery rice or a bowl of soup whenever charity is fashionable and can be sold at a price. But choices abound for the privileged among us and so, we ought to count our blessings. The French count their blessings in every mouthful they take, every sip they make. There is the underlying belief that there is no moment like the present. And even if the future looks dim, at least they savoured the moment like they savoured that one perfect bite.
Copyright © 2008 Shazia Islam. All Rights Reserved.
Micah Barnes: The Medicine Man of Vocal Coaching
MICAH BARNES
The Medicine Man of Vocal Coaching
Written by Shazia Islam
One Saturday night at a local Toronto watering hole, a very nervous singer-songwriter stepped up to the mic with her pink steel string guitar. Her turn had come after what seemed like an endless passage of time. One performer after another was called up by the ebullient host of the open stage event to share their musical voices with a discerning lot of friends and strangers. Unfortunately for this particular singer, most of the guests were strangers. From the stage, she squinted to look for the one friend who was brave enough to come with her, but the intimidating lights gleaming from above were too bright to allow her the comfort of a familiar face in the crowd. She jumped realizing that her audience was waiting for her show-stopping performance to commence. She had to get through two songs, which was a rather monumental task considering that her past live performances amounted to singing along with American Idol hopefuls in front of an outdated television set. Well there’s a first for everything and this might as well be it, she thought. Who knows, it might be her lucky break. A bigwig record producer could be in the crowd getting ready to sign the next Shania on the dotted line. That would be herself. Right.
She began singing in a tremulous voice the song about a very difficult transition into bleached blonde-hood. She kept her eyes focused on her guitar, not realizing that her voice was barely audible to her increasingly fidgety listeners. The few times she did look up, she kept her eyes closed and strummed louder with a fierce madness to drown out the wavering energies, critical voices and piercing eyes, all around the room, in her mind. At least this was what she sensed from the sheer nakedness of the stage. By the time she finished the tune, she was sweating something awful. The applause came but she started on the second song right away, and thus began her next solitary lament with the pink guitar.
When she stepped off the stage, she could finally see her audience. A few of them were looking at her but she couldn‘t read what their eyes were saying, others seemed to be waiting expectantly for the next performer. Her friend was nowhere to be found. She put on her jacket, and left the scene feeling disconnected. She had worked hard on those songs and had expected a positive reaction from the crowd. Perhaps they didn’t have the capacity to recognize true talent. She had seen loads of musicians pull off amazing performances with their eyes closed, performing as if they were the only ones in the room. They would drive their fans mad with delirious admiration. How wonderful it would be to give people something they could never forget. Isn’t that what she just did? She shrugged her shoulders and headed for the nearest bus stop.
Sounds like she could use some direction from Toronto’s very own Micah Barnes, the maestro of professional vocal and performance coaching.
Micah Barnes is a man of many musical gifts. He is an accomplished pianist, composer, a superbly talented singer, a formidable entertainer, and a passionate teacher. All of these talents were meticulously perfected through the years, from his childhood days to the present. He continues to make an impact on the world stage both as a performer and a coach, and divides his time between Toronto and L.A., where he runs his widely popular Singers Playground workshops. He also teaches privately, and offers his students the opportunity to take their vocal training to the next level by organizing performance nights at the reputable Statler’s Piano Lounge on Church street.
Singing is no walk in the park, and good singing, the kind that makes a crowd swoon and shout like wild animals for more, is definitely in a realm all on its own. The singers who dare to come forth from the privacy of their tubs must find their foothold in an industry where the bar is continually being raised by child prodigies and aged spinsters in reality TV hits like American Idol, Britain’s Got Talent and the infamous Youtube. There’s a singer in everyone, but does everyone have the chutzpah to venture forth into a sea where they join their voices with a million others waiting to be discovered? Why not? It’s like bungee-jumping, only it’s a free fall into the watery depths where failure and triumph both exist, sometimes appearing within seconds of each other.
If you ever needed an encouraging push in the direction of this great melodious sea of voices, consider attending Micah’s Singers Playground workshop to help you discover your true singing potential. None of his workshops are ever the same. Every workshop draws in a diverse group of vocal artists, all with unique challenges to overcome, yet all united in their passion for singing. Micah starts the group off with intense breathing and vocal exercises urging the participants to utilize the ample space in the theatre where the workshops are usually conducted. He pays close attention to each and every one of the participants to ensure they all understand the basics of a good warm-up, and why all the warming-up lays the foundation of singing like a pro. As we work through the exercises, he speaks to everyone individually as a way of introduction. Some of the faces belong to his long-term students, while others are newcomers ready to experience Micah’s magic. He speaks to everyone like he knows them well, like a wise old friend. Everyone starts to feel more comfortable, even with the knowledge that they will soon have to sing in front of one another.
Micah takes a very personal approach to teaching. He gets to the heart of each student to find out what fears lurk in the shadows, what technical/physical issues their voices and bodies are grappling with, why they have made a particular song selection and what risks the singer is willing to take to develop their showmanship. He gives positive encouragement every step of the way, yet does not hesitate to give strong words of advice and direction to keep his students aiming for the heights of musical integrity. He encourages them to throw off their inhibitions through dramatic vocalizations and movement so that they may refine those sounds and motions into something powerful that must be seen and heard. Micah convinces the participants that the only way to reach the audience is to reach within themselves - to go deep - because personal experiences can be shared through song and become a powerful unifying force.
As the workshop progresses, and each participant gets up to sing something they composed or a cover, they no longer feel competitive or hear the negative voices in their heads telling them they’re not good enough. Actually, the workshop is open to singers of all levels, beginners to pros. The key is to be open enough to allow Micah and the other participants to be part of your personal journey. Through the workshop experience, participants start looking at one another’s special vocal gifts and learn to give, learn to really give, unconditional belief and support to all the performers. Each voice is worthy enough to be heard if everyone has the patience and the commitment to nurture them.
Micah gives his students the belief when they lack the belief. Gives them the direction when they’re running around with their heads cut off, not knowing where to start, and when to stop. Gives them the challenge and the courage when they are eyeing the easy and safe route. Gives them the knowledge and technique they need to develop their vocal prowess. Gives them the confidence to sing and to sing like a pro. As a vocal coach, he has made a difference in many people’s lives, not just in the lives of the singers he teaches, but to all the people who come to hear them sing, family members, friends, and strangers alike. He gives with heart and humour, engaging his students with his smile, all the while inspiring them to dream of the possibilities that singing may bring.
He too has a music career to maintain - performing with his brother, drummer, Daniel Barnes, and collaborating with other established artists, vocal coaching for reality TV stars (“How do you Solve a Problem like Maria“), organizing music biz seminars, and of course running the workshops and teaching privately. He is the perfect example of a successful artist, and we, his students, greatly benefit from his mentorship and tutelage. There is a strong sense of equality in his workshops, and he understands so perfectly that singing for many of us if not all is the key to our liberation. The workshops then not only become a chance for us to become better singers, but also a chance for us to heal through the power of voice and song the disconnectedness we often feel from ourselves, and from our communities. By re-connecting, we recognize the power we each have to create something positive and inspire others to do the same.
We find ourselves back on another Saturday night at the same watering hole, and the woman with the pink steel string guitar gets up to sing once again. When her name is called she bounces onto the stage where she had performed just a few short months before. She looks out into the crowd and smiles. She tells a funny story about the bleached blonde hair song, and the audience laughs with her. She starts singing in a clear and powerful voice. The audience is enjoying the performance and some people begin to clap with the beat. She steps off the stage during the instrumental portion, and plays to the crowd who cheer her on. Finally, she finishes with a nice long sustained note, which she has the confidence to execute because of proper breath control and support, something she worked on at the Singers Playground workshops besides many other things. The crowd gives her a prolonged enthusiastic applause. In fact, some of the folks she met at the workshops are there to show her support and ready to perform themselves. She waits for a moment, breathing deeply, and then she graciously thanks the crowd before beginning her next song - the one about dyeing her hair back to basic black.
Join Micah and meet some of Toronto’s up and coming as well as established singers at his next vocal workshop. You won’t want to miss it! For more information, please visit his site www.micahbarnes.com.
The Medicine Man of Vocal Coaching
Written by Shazia Islam
One Saturday night at a local Toronto watering hole, a very nervous singer-songwriter stepped up to the mic with her pink steel string guitar. Her turn had come after what seemed like an endless passage of time. One performer after another was called up by the ebullient host of the open stage event to share their musical voices with a discerning lot of friends and strangers. Unfortunately for this particular singer, most of the guests were strangers. From the stage, she squinted to look for the one friend who was brave enough to come with her, but the intimidating lights gleaming from above were too bright to allow her the comfort of a familiar face in the crowd. She jumped realizing that her audience was waiting for her show-stopping performance to commence. She had to get through two songs, which was a rather monumental task considering that her past live performances amounted to singing along with American Idol hopefuls in front of an outdated television set. Well there’s a first for everything and this might as well be it, she thought. Who knows, it might be her lucky break. A bigwig record producer could be in the crowd getting ready to sign the next Shania on the dotted line. That would be herself. Right.
She began singing in a tremulous voice the song about a very difficult transition into bleached blonde-hood. She kept her eyes focused on her guitar, not realizing that her voice was barely audible to her increasingly fidgety listeners. The few times she did look up, she kept her eyes closed and strummed louder with a fierce madness to drown out the wavering energies, critical voices and piercing eyes, all around the room, in her mind. At least this was what she sensed from the sheer nakedness of the stage. By the time she finished the tune, she was sweating something awful. The applause came but she started on the second song right away, and thus began her next solitary lament with the pink guitar.
When she stepped off the stage, she could finally see her audience. A few of them were looking at her but she couldn‘t read what their eyes were saying, others seemed to be waiting expectantly for the next performer. Her friend was nowhere to be found. She put on her jacket, and left the scene feeling disconnected. She had worked hard on those songs and had expected a positive reaction from the crowd. Perhaps they didn’t have the capacity to recognize true talent. She had seen loads of musicians pull off amazing performances with their eyes closed, performing as if they were the only ones in the room. They would drive their fans mad with delirious admiration. How wonderful it would be to give people something they could never forget. Isn’t that what she just did? She shrugged her shoulders and headed for the nearest bus stop.
Sounds like she could use some direction from Toronto’s very own Micah Barnes, the maestro of professional vocal and performance coaching.
Micah Barnes is a man of many musical gifts. He is an accomplished pianist, composer, a superbly talented singer, a formidable entertainer, and a passionate teacher. All of these talents were meticulously perfected through the years, from his childhood days to the present. He continues to make an impact on the world stage both as a performer and a coach, and divides his time between Toronto and L.A., where he runs his widely popular Singers Playground workshops. He also teaches privately, and offers his students the opportunity to take their vocal training to the next level by organizing performance nights at the reputable Statler’s Piano Lounge on Church street.
Singing is no walk in the park, and good singing, the kind that makes a crowd swoon and shout like wild animals for more, is definitely in a realm all on its own. The singers who dare to come forth from the privacy of their tubs must find their foothold in an industry where the bar is continually being raised by child prodigies and aged spinsters in reality TV hits like American Idol, Britain’s Got Talent and the infamous Youtube. There’s a singer in everyone, but does everyone have the chutzpah to venture forth into a sea where they join their voices with a million others waiting to be discovered? Why not? It’s like bungee-jumping, only it’s a free fall into the watery depths where failure and triumph both exist, sometimes appearing within seconds of each other.
If you ever needed an encouraging push in the direction of this great melodious sea of voices, consider attending Micah’s Singers Playground workshop to help you discover your true singing potential. None of his workshops are ever the same. Every workshop draws in a diverse group of vocal artists, all with unique challenges to overcome, yet all united in their passion for singing. Micah starts the group off with intense breathing and vocal exercises urging the participants to utilize the ample space in the theatre where the workshops are usually conducted. He pays close attention to each and every one of the participants to ensure they all understand the basics of a good warm-up, and why all the warming-up lays the foundation of singing like a pro. As we work through the exercises, he speaks to everyone individually as a way of introduction. Some of the faces belong to his long-term students, while others are newcomers ready to experience Micah’s magic. He speaks to everyone like he knows them well, like a wise old friend. Everyone starts to feel more comfortable, even with the knowledge that they will soon have to sing in front of one another.
Micah takes a very personal approach to teaching. He gets to the heart of each student to find out what fears lurk in the shadows, what technical/physical issues their voices and bodies are grappling with, why they have made a particular song selection and what risks the singer is willing to take to develop their showmanship. He gives positive encouragement every step of the way, yet does not hesitate to give strong words of advice and direction to keep his students aiming for the heights of musical integrity. He encourages them to throw off their inhibitions through dramatic vocalizations and movement so that they may refine those sounds and motions into something powerful that must be seen and heard. Micah convinces the participants that the only way to reach the audience is to reach within themselves - to go deep - because personal experiences can be shared through song and become a powerful unifying force.
As the workshop progresses, and each participant gets up to sing something they composed or a cover, they no longer feel competitive or hear the negative voices in their heads telling them they’re not good enough. Actually, the workshop is open to singers of all levels, beginners to pros. The key is to be open enough to allow Micah and the other participants to be part of your personal journey. Through the workshop experience, participants start looking at one another’s special vocal gifts and learn to give, learn to really give, unconditional belief and support to all the performers. Each voice is worthy enough to be heard if everyone has the patience and the commitment to nurture them.
Micah gives his students the belief when they lack the belief. Gives them the direction when they’re running around with their heads cut off, not knowing where to start, and when to stop. Gives them the challenge and the courage when they are eyeing the easy and safe route. Gives them the knowledge and technique they need to develop their vocal prowess. Gives them the confidence to sing and to sing like a pro. As a vocal coach, he has made a difference in many people’s lives, not just in the lives of the singers he teaches, but to all the people who come to hear them sing, family members, friends, and strangers alike. He gives with heart and humour, engaging his students with his smile, all the while inspiring them to dream of the possibilities that singing may bring.
He too has a music career to maintain - performing with his brother, drummer, Daniel Barnes, and collaborating with other established artists, vocal coaching for reality TV stars (“How do you Solve a Problem like Maria“), organizing music biz seminars, and of course running the workshops and teaching privately. He is the perfect example of a successful artist, and we, his students, greatly benefit from his mentorship and tutelage. There is a strong sense of equality in his workshops, and he understands so perfectly that singing for many of us if not all is the key to our liberation. The workshops then not only become a chance for us to become better singers, but also a chance for us to heal through the power of voice and song the disconnectedness we often feel from ourselves, and from our communities. By re-connecting, we recognize the power we each have to create something positive and inspire others to do the same.
We find ourselves back on another Saturday night at the same watering hole, and the woman with the pink steel string guitar gets up to sing once again. When her name is called she bounces onto the stage where she had performed just a few short months before. She looks out into the crowd and smiles. She tells a funny story about the bleached blonde hair song, and the audience laughs with her. She starts singing in a clear and powerful voice. The audience is enjoying the performance and some people begin to clap with the beat. She steps off the stage during the instrumental portion, and plays to the crowd who cheer her on. Finally, she finishes with a nice long sustained note, which she has the confidence to execute because of proper breath control and support, something she worked on at the Singers Playground workshops besides many other things. The crowd gives her a prolonged enthusiastic applause. In fact, some of the folks she met at the workshops are there to show her support and ready to perform themselves. She waits for a moment, breathing deeply, and then she graciously thanks the crowd before beginning her next song - the one about dyeing her hair back to basic black.
Join Micah and meet some of Toronto’s up and coming as well as established singers at his next vocal workshop. You won’t want to miss it! For more information, please visit his site www.micahbarnes.com.
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