Open Relationships: A form of Spiritual Enlightenment?
I sit back in a comfy high-backed chair in a frigidly cold air-conditioned movie theatre, having just devoured a whole bag of buttery-fattening popcorn, wondering how on earth was my hand able to move that way from bag to mouth without any delay or distraction despite the fact that my complete focus was on the screen. Even though it felt colder than the Arctic in the dead of winter in that small theatre, I was feeling all toasty warm inside as the final moments of another Hollywood romantic-comedy was coming to an end in a flourish of pre-wedding drama followed by the perfect Cinderella-inspired wedding that included the perfect dress, the hit tear-jerker theme song, the pretty but quirky bride, the handsome and totally sweet groom, and the most loving wedding vows ever exchanged. Then I think all is right with the world because love like this exists...er...at least in fantasy. It's the perfect formula - nice guy, hot girl, some heat between them, add other characters into the mix, mountains to climb, barriers to break through, all leading up to the fairy tale wedding in the end. Hollywood repeats it again and again at least several times a year. There's always one that comes out on Valentine's Day, then a summer romance or two. We've got a few to help us through the fall, and finally a couple more at Christmas to really get those bells ringing.
I guess Hollywood's got it all figured out when it comes to love. These movies, with their feel-good moments, serve to reinforce the prevailing belief that 'true' love is happily wedded monogamous bliss. There are many other forms of love, of course, but they are not as socially acceptable as the deified THE ONE AND ONLY SOULMATE kind. There is nothing wrong in finding and spending the rest of your life with someone who is compatible, but expecting this person to fulfill all your white picket fence dreams with a house in the 'burbs, a two-car garage, Saturday baseball with the kids, trips to see Gramps, credit card debt and whatever else may be on your list of needs is a mighty tall order. I mean it's hard enough to look out for yourself let alone be responsible for someone else's happiness till death do us part.
Well, some people do manage to stay together, but most relationships have their battery of tests, near hits and misses, close encounters of the cheating kind, and any number of sub-suburban distractions that might bring destruction, chaos, and disillusion to seemingly happy marriages and partnerships. Just about half of all marriages end in divorce in North America. The number one reason that couples choose 'splitsville' is because one of the two resorted to dishonesty by having an extra-marital affair, breaking the sacred trust between them.
Maybe we need to break down a bit of the fantasy of “coupledom” and take a closer look at the reality. One person cannot fulfill another person's needs in totality, especially when the level of commitment required extends over a few generations. Long-term commitment is definitely a lifestyle change and might require some discipline especially for those with a wandering eye. Many of us have to grapple with the very real issue of sexual dissatisfaction or boredom. Ever wonder why there are millions of how-to articles and top 10 tips on keeping the intimacy alive in a marriage? It's not an easy task. Human desires and emotions are complex. Not just that, but the routine of daily life with your partner does catch up, and most times rings the death knell for intimacy the more you get used to having each other around. It’s hard for it not to turn into a very close friendship.
Close friendships aside, no amount of lingerie, edible undies, candles, roses, seductive music, and a favourite - couples therapy, will bring the intimacy back if the sexual attraction has been lost. Why not just end the union? Well, a lot of people do. That would be the customary thing to do. However, many couples are choosing the open relationship route these days, as part of the next wave of the sexual revolution. Open relationship arrangements like polyamory and swinging allow couples sexual freedom while still having the security and stability that comes with long-term commitment, so ‘open relationship’ is not the same as dating more than one person.
Open relationship is actually a modern lifestyle choice in many countries in the West, but it certainly isn’t a foreign concept in other parts of the world. Both polygyny, one man having multiple wives, and polyandry, one woman having multiple husbands are practiced in some regions of the world. The latter was practiced by nomadic Tibetans where two or more brothers shared the same wife with the idea that a child raised in a family of two or more fathers had a better chance at survival. Polyandry is particularly prevalent in regions where resources are scarce, and the likelihood of a child surviving is greatly increased when the men of the family pool their wealth together. It is unclear whether nomads still practice this today, since more and more once-Nomadic communities have become sedentary due to immigration laws, industrialization, and poverty.
Polygyny is practiced in many African and Arab-Muslim cultures. In Saudi Arabia, a man can have up to four wives. Now to most Westerners this would be seen as another example of the oppression of women. Without getting into the rubrics of Arab-Muslim cultural norms, it is important to say that men who do have four wives have to treat each one equally, providing them with the same amount of financial and emotional security, and not to mention, providing for all of their children. In Saudi Arabia, a woman’s wealth and property belong to her, so we can imagine what a difficult task it would be for any man to choose to have more than one wife. It is a choice primarily made by exceedingly rich men, and not just in Saudi society. Historically, polygyny was practiced by the ruling classes of many great empires including those of the Indian subcontinent and China. Of course, these rulers also had their share of concubines, not just wives. The ancient Hebrews also practiced polygyny, but it is clearly stated in the Torah that multiple marriages are not to diminish the status of the first wife. Levirate marriage required a man to marry and support his brother’s widow.
The swinger lifestyle is said to have originated during WWII among US Air Force pilots, whose mortality rates were particularly high. Pilots made a pact that they would care for all their wives as their own, both emotionally and sexually, if some of them were sent off on a far away mission or were lost. This soon spread from the military to the ‘burbs in the 1950s before the hippies were doped up on ‘free love’ in the 60s, and was termed “wife-swapping”. The Sexual Freedom League was the first ever swingers’ organization.
It seems that the varieties of open relationships practiced in historical times were done out of the willingness of these disparate communities, Eastern and Western, to provide for their members out of care and concern for their livelihoods. The modern swinging lifestyle, which involves typically married couples going to swinging bars or events to have intimate encounters that may or may not include sexual intercourse with other people, on the other hand, is a choice purely made to gratify our sexual needs and enhance our sexual experiences. This is not a bad thing of course. After all, we are sexual beings by nature, and monogamy is not necessarily the natural choice, but one that was etched into stone by the Christian religious powers that be, further reinforced today by Hollywood’s romantic-comedies, Valentine’s Day marketing, DeBeers diamonds-are-forever ads, and how we, particularly women, are told that marriage to your soul mate is the end all and be all of life, along with all the other ‘comforts’ happily wedded bliss entails. We’re a very possessive culture, and it doesn’t take long for our kids to get the whole “what’s-mine-is-mine-and-what’s-yours-is-yours” ethos. We’ve been conditioned to own, both people and things.
The swinging lifestyle and polyamory each ask a very important question about the nature of primarily heterosexual relationships and challenges our possessive inclinations. The swingers ask if love means sexual exclusivity and the polyamorists ask if it is possible to find true love in more than one partner. One study conducted found that swingers are actually much happier than those who choose monogamous relationships. Many people who were in unhappy relationships said swinging improved them, and gave them new insight into their marriage or partnership. Couples who welcome the swinging lifestyle understand it as being a way to reconnect and revive their commitment to each other. This perhaps could be an emotionally healthier alternative than the lying and deceptiveness that comes with extra-marital affairs.
Polyamory can be a bit more challenging since it breaks every accepted perception we have of love. Love is not exclusive. One person can not fulfill all of our needs. Our feelings of love are not static. According to polyamorists, love is dynamic, fluid, an exchange that can happen at any moment in our lives with any person, not just one. Denying ourselves the possibility of giving and receiving love from others, albeit from like-minded people who are also open-relationship seekers, is denying our true essence.
Of course, there are a lot of ground rules couples set before making the move to welcome other lovers into their lives other than the obvious – practice safe sex at all times. Swinging couples agree that neither can see any of their sexual partners outside the swinging bar or event, that the connection is purely for sexual enjoyment, and that there can be no ‘love’ in the equation. Some polyamorists want their primary relationship to remain intact, and therefore, establish rules concerning overnight stays, scheduling, who they can pursue an open relationship with, meeting the other lovers, sharing details about their relationships, and a host of others.
It is recommended that couples who are considering an open relationship do it in order to strengthen the already tight and stable union between them, and not use it as a band-aid solution to their long-suffering relationship woes. Not just that, but the individuals concerned should be pretty secure in themselves, without any insecurities. If the relationship was already unstable from the get-go, inviting other people to be a part of it might actually do further damage. Jealousy is a big issue. The thought of your partner offering their love and attention to someone else isn’t exactly a comforting thought, not if you’ve got a personality like Bridget Jones. You know, the kind that falls madly in love with that one man of their dreams and dedicates their whole lives to building the perfect monogamous relationship.
But maybe that’s the problem, maybe that’s why there are so many unhappy people in our society.
We put so many expectations on this one person to be our knight or queen or both or nonbinary rulers, and when they don’t come through for us, anger and bitterness ensue. People can and do overcome the rejection and abandonment, but how? By looking for yet again the same kind of relationship in another. When we lose someone we love through a break-up, the trauma can sometimes be overwhelming, and some people never get over it.
Open relationships allow couples who do have something wonderful together – companionship, love, stability – things that are too wonderful to let go, give each other the freedom to share a part of that with others, not through dishonesty or games, but through respect, trust, and understanding of one another’s needs. It’s not for everyone or perhaps it could be for everyone if we worked through our insecurities, fears, neediness, and our limiting fantasies about what love and romance should look like.
To be given the freedom to love others as we love each other could be a way of getting closer to the god in all of us, but it all depends on how much we want to change. Reaching for that higher power - the power of letting go, the power of non-attachment, the power of accepting the dynamic nature of sexuality and romance, and the power that comes with experiencing a kind of love that could be quite liberating might be beyond our natural instincts or the societal constructs that restrict our freedom to be, to choose, to explore. We might get sick of all the options though. What happens next then? Do we then reach for monogamy?
The point is, nothing lasts forever, and the big L word has given us plenty of examples of just how fleeting it is. So, whether you're in a monogamous or a polyamorous, or some other kind of relationship, enjoy those moments or that one and only moment with your beloved. Enjoy it as if you're experiencing all that tender loving care for the first time ever...and maybe for the last time, too.
